I forgive myself - mens-tru(e)-hate

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to sleep 8 hours last night.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel really bad about sleeping 8 hours last night.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame myself for sleeping 8 hours last night.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be really crancky after sleeping 8 hours.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to suppress myself with sleeping 8 hours.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel like I have a head full of cotton-wool.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel irritated by myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame myself for irritating myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel like I have missed two hours and for that I am in a hurry all day.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be in a feeling of hurry.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am too late.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be scared that I am not able to find a new place to live for myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be scared that I am stuck in this situation forever.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to have no patience and self-trust.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am too late with choosing for myself as myself to live.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that my chance is over.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that another person can keep me away from standing on my own feet.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the emotional chantage is real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let myself reload with dreams this morning because I slept too long.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame myself that I slept 'too long'.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I cannot come out of bed after 6 hours sleep when it's cold in the morning.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use the being cold as an excuse for not standing up.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can start breathing when I am lying in bed, when I already know and have experienced several time that this is an excuse of the mind, when I stay in the bed I fall asleep again.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to trust an old alarm and for that use this as an excuse when it is not working very well, so I can sleep a little longer.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that 6 hours sleep is not enough.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use the menstruation as an excuse to sleep a little longer.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can do this process with sleeping 7 hours a night.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not know how I can go back to sleep 6 hours every night.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not trust myself in standing up after 6 hours sleep.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not have sense to do a lot of practical things when I sleep 8 hours.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not have sense to do anything when I sleep 8 hours.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use the sleeping of 8 hours to not have sense to do anything practical that must happen, so to use the sleeping of 8 hours to not do practical things that must happen.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let my mind suppress myself when I finally start moving into a direction that I really want.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let my mind suppress myself when I finally start to stand up as myself in myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe again this suppressing of the mind, that I am not able to stand up in this.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let my mind suppress myself when I finally want to start living as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to go directly to the 'nice' practical part of standing up in myself and start moving, instead of seeing that this is a process, that I have to walk this change breath by breath, day by day, with a lot of patience with myself as myself, applying s.f. every day.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame myself as the mind for suppressing myself, instead of seeing that this is what I as the mind do.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be not gentle with myself as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create another seperation with being not gentle with myself as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be irritated so much by m.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be irritated so much by myself as m.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be irritated so much by seeing the robot in other person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be irritated so much by seeing and being the robot inside myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see how I can just stand up after 6 hours sleep.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be irritated by the menstruation cycle.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to first be lyrical about this cycle and now be irritated by it.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel betrayed by the cycle of life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel betrayed by everything that I was 'living for'.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel so stupid that I let myself betray by the cycle of life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel proud in the past about the fact that I 'knew' so much about the cycle of life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel proud in the past about the fact that I learned how to live within the cycle of life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel better than other people in the past because I had learned how to live within the cylcle of life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use this knowledge as a way to have power over other people who didnot have this knowledge about the cycle of life; power as a defensemeganism, knowledge that I could use when 'neccesary', so actually as a backdoor.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to betray myself by using this knowledge about the living in the cycle of life as a backdoor.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create a headache by suppressing myself as life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to have a headache every month before menstruation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel a slave of this menstruation cycle.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to see this headache as 'normal' because it was just before the menstruation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to see it as normal that before/in the beginning of the menstruation I feel pain.

Mens true hate, I will find that article again.

http://desteni.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=257:menstruatie&catid=90:marilyn-monroe&Itemid=311

En zelfs als je wel/niet gelooft in de verhaaltjes uit de Bijbel en het verhaal van Adam en Eva - als een man en een vrouw dit horen, wordt het mannelijk dominante ego onbewust 'opgedoft' samen met haatdragendheid en kwaadheid naar de vrouw, omdat in het verhaal van Adam en Eva, Eva wordt afgeschilderd als 'de bedriegster' van Adam met het 'verboden fruit' en de vrouwelijke onderwerping aan slavernij wordt geprikkeld als zij zich, onbewust, schuldig en beschaamd gaat voelen en gelooft dat zij 'haar schuld moet betalen' aan de man/mannen en in klaarblijkelijke 'verdiend' pijn en lijden moet leven zoals de barensweeën/menstruatiepijnen.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to take care for a man until in eternity.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that a man cannot stand on his own feet.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I cannot stand on my own feet.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that a woman has to do 'all the inner work', as a man is doing the 'outer work'.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that it's much easier to only do the outer work.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I need support of a man with a part of the outer work as making money.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that a man has an easy job with only doing the outer work.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that a woman has a difficult job with doing only the inner work.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that a woman has to do the inner work alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define the process that every human has to walk as 'inner work'.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself as a woman.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to compare the man and woman with each other.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to compare the inner work as process with the outer work as making money.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel quilty everytime the man is not taking responsability for himself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel quilty everytime I am not taking responsability for myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel quilty when I am not giving answer to the man when he is coming to me with questions of the mind to get attention, 'to make contact'.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel resistance when the man is coming to me with questions of the mind to get attention, and with going in resistance I go into polarity and affirm the feelings of quilt.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make the mind bigger with this feeling of resistance which makes unable to stand one and equal as the mind as the other person; with giving resistance to another person I create the opposite effect of that I want to be in, which is one and equal as breath, which makes able to communicate in equality.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel suppressed, paralysed, pushed in a corner in 'my own house' when the man is walking around.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let myself suppress, paralyse, push in a corner by the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel quilty when I donot want to make contact with the mind of another person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame somebody else instead of seeing that blaming somebody else isnot possible, blaming you is blaming me and with doing this I create feelings of quilt.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not want to make contact with the mind of another person, instead of staying out of the polarity of wanting and not wanting and just stay in breath.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to walk away everytime I feel this resistance, instead of to stop this feeling inside, apply s.f. and stand up in myself, being able to communicate in equality.

And so I did.

---------------------------------------
Next day after sleeping 6 hours, I start seeing again in a mindstructure that I didnot want to let go, and for that I as the mind was giving excuses to not see; sleeping longer is one of the excuses.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use the sleeping as an excuse to not see into and let go structures of the mind.

To break and being self-honest / equal money

To break, until we see at what point we are self-dishonest.
To see the point, so we can start to forgive and stand up in it. Which contains that we let go this point that we were covering. Covering because we were holding on to some illusion that we didnot want to let go. So the mind is scared for doing this, for letting go, and for this, it is turning around the experience. It gives the illusion that if we see into the specific point, we are stuck in it forever. And ofcourse we don't want that, we experience we are already stuck forever in the mind and we donot like that. So we walk away from seeing into the point, joked by our own mind, still stuck forever. But at the same time we want to be free from the prison of the mind, and the only thing that makes us free is to see into the point; this is giving friction. We want to be free and for this we are breaking until we see the point. And the running away is stimulating this breaking because it keeps us away from seeing but actually we want to see. If we donot see into the points, this pattern is going on and on, creating more and more friction as energy, breaking more and more, also the fysical, as seen in the world, out of frustration of being stuck in this pattern.

The breaking is a signal of not being self-honest. Of not seeing into what is real. When we see into the point, there is a relieve. The fear is much less than we thought it would be, actually the fear is gone, because we see the point as it is, without the mind turning this around. And we can start to apply self-forgiveness, untill we are free to walk through this point.
The more self-honest we are, the less breaking we need.

I was breaking because I would be dependent on (some amount of) the money of another person in future. Even in future, not already 'now'. But the prospect of being this in future made me very nervous. I started to react on the other person more and more. For seeing into this I had to let go some illusions, I had to see that I was turning around things. Being 'together' for the money/house is not 'working' when one person actually wants a relationship and one person not. Than there is developping a fairtrade between 'love' and money. This gives conditions, and to come out of this conditions I started to break (and probably the other person too). I had to stand up in myself, to see that I have to stay on my own feet. That's what I really want. When I stay on my own feet I can support another person, and I can be supported when needed. Unconditionally.

Equal money.

I donot know from experience how it is to have no home and food.
Still also here it is easy to see how everything is depending on money. This breaking I did myself is a small example, which can be large when living in a situation totally dependent on the money of another person, having children, house, a car. And actually for myself it was also not small, it was huge, growing up in this and stipulating all decisions on the background, the fairtrade of love and money. It made me totally ineffective. Stipulating, bepalend, be-palen-d. Ahum. Which was the consequence; the circle is round.
Last seven years I saw in myself that every worry I had I could bring back to money. Especially when the house is too expensive and the money is just not enough.
At the moment I cannot wright out other examples of unequal money, so I leave that for now. But they are uncountable; everyone can see some examples inside themselves.
So we donot have to see very far to become aware that also in the capitalist countries the money is keeping us enslaved: making worries to get it or making worries to not 'loose' it.


Be one vote for an equal money system to give all live included yourself the chance to free Self:

http://www.equalmoneysystem.org/
http://www.desteni-geld.net/

To break

There is something with 'kapot maken', to break.
I was speaking about this to another person, that the other person was 'breaking' everything.
So I am breaking everything.
This scared me. To break scared me in general; I didnot see into this in myself. I was more 'holding on' to.
Yesterday I start seeing into this. What am I breaking?
I am breaking pictures, structures, connections.
To break everything of the mindstructures; trying to see who I really am. Or actually to see who I did become and what I am depending on. Well the penny is already there and yes, I did become dependent on money, on the mind as money.
That's what we all are/were breaking in this world.
But we do it in the fysical, we break all the manifested mindstructures.
And with doing this, we break the whole world included life.
Because we have become these mindstructures. So we break down ourselves and/as others. Destruction.
And we donot see that we first created these structures by ourselves, based on our memories.
The memories as mindstructures that we are trying to break down.
If we stop creating these structures into reality, we donot need to break the structures as ourselves as the world as life anymore. We donot need to be so hard on ourselves anymore.
We don't need to 'hold on' to this structure. To hold on because we are scared that we fall apart if the mindstructures as memories fall apart. So we actually break that what we are holding on to. That's not really effective. Nothing will and can change in this, we are only creating energy out of polarity with this, because of the reactions inside and outside. Which only strengthen the mindstructures. So we prison ourselves more and more with doing this. If we stay enslaved on this energy as the mind, we cannot move as ourselves.
We can stop creating this energy and start to forgive the mindstructures that we've become and created and allowed as ourselves.
Breath by breath.
To forgive the mindstructures that feels like a wall of stone.
To become The Stone I Am.

In theorie pretty clear.
In practical life I am still breaking. And I feel ashamed about this.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed about breaking.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I didnot break.
I do break or want to break and for that I want to run away.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to break.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to run away because I want to break.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to run away because I don't want to break and I don't want to see that I break.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to run away so I can feel better than the person who break.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel better than the person who break.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel better than the person who run away for this or who not run away for this; which is feeling better as myself and for that suppressing myself, not able to stand up in this structure.

Breaking as punishing?
To punish for loving someone or just not loving someone.
And in the slip of the finger I wrote "punishmen", punish men instead of punishment.
For loving me or just not loving me, dependent on what I want them to.
On what I need them to?
How is the penny used in this?
In general: Woman used for sex; man used for money?
So when a man is paying the woman donot need to love him anymore? As when a woman is having sex the man donot need to love her anymore? Or only 'giving' sex or money when the other person 'love' her/him?(Love used conditionally). These traids are turning around each other.

Today I thought, I make myself ridiculas, belachelijk.
Lach en lijk. Lachen als een lijk. The joke is on me.
chelijk? Gelijk als mij als de ander, deze joke.

Ridiculus. Ridicule, bespotten. Spot, is de spot op mezelf richten. Aandacht dus.
Getsiedekkie. Dat is dus belachelijk maken.
Denken aan het lijk.
ok enough for today.

Erg

Het woord erg. Ik heb 'erg' veel woorden gekoppeld aan het woord erg. Door iets erg te vinden, durf ik er niet meer in te zien. Het was simpel-weg 'te erg'. Ogen sluiten, gezicht afkeren naar rechts, bam in de mind.
Een vertaling van 'ik vind het erg' is 'I do mind". I am doing the mind; ik doe de mind.
Dus iets erg vinden is de mind doen. Ik doe een oordeel, ik plaats een oordeel (het erg vinden), en leef vervolgens dit oordeel, is dit oordeel als de mind doen.

Waar heb ik het woord erg aan gekoppeld?

Eng - Ing
Erg is eng, zo eng dat ik er niet durfde in te zien.
Eng zag ik gelijk gekoppeld aan Ing. Dus erg is eng is Ing is zo eng dat ik er niet durfde in te zien, in Ing, dus in mezelf.

Moeder
Gekoppeld aan moeder, aan de situatie met moeder. Zo erg dat ik er niet in durfde te zien (zie vorige blog).
"Het is te erg". Verraad. Dus moeder wordt weg geduwd, en daarmee duw ik mezelf weg, de gelijkenis.
En zie ik niet in hoe ik het patroon voortzet in mezelf als zelf-verraad, en dus mezelf constant bevestig in zelf-verraad is bevestigen in/als de mind.

Er - Hier
Erg gekoppeld aan er, hier. Dus Hier is erg, zo erg dat ik niet durf te zien, niet durf hier te zijn.
Dus niet zien, niet hier zijn, dus waar ben ik, daar, in de mind.

Ergens-nergens
Het is ergens het is nergens, het moet ergens zijn maar waar? 'Het' als 'het zien' als ikzelf? Ik moet ergens zijn maar waar? Ik ben ergens ik ben nergens. Welke meteen brengt naar de volgende:

Weg
Ik ben weg, weg in de mind.

Iedere keer dat ik iets 'erg vind', haal ik dit hele patroon omhoog, met als eindresusultaat dat ik mezelf verraad (weg in de mind) en hiermee een situatie gereflecteerd krijg waarin ik me zelf verraad. Waarmee ik dezelfde ervaring van 'het is te erg' herhaal. En zonder werkelijk in dit patroon te zien wat 'te erg' was, kom ik in de gekoppelde emoties terecht, wat inhoudt dat het zo erg is dat ik schrik, me afkeer, stop met ademen, en uiteindelijk helemaal weg ben in de mind. Ik weiger te leven als Zelf. En dat label ik als 'erg'.
Opnieuw heb ik mezelf verraden door helemaal in de mind te verdwijnen, wat 'te erg' is, dus weer het oordeel met de hele lading eraan vast in 'werking stelt', etc.
Bovendien ging ik, door niet een en gelijk als mezelf te staan door constant te oordelen, ieder zelf-verraad van de ander op mezelf betrekken, als verraad van mezelf door de ander in plaats van te zien dat ik mezelf verraadde in de situatie gereflecteerd in de ander, en hiermee de verantwoordelijkheid voor de ander op me nemen door te proberen de ander te laten inzien wat die gedaan had in plaats van zelf in zelf te zien, waarmee ik hetzelfde patroon bevestig namelijk dat ik afhankelijk ben van de ander dus van de mind (zie ook vorige blog) dus van zelfverraad.

Oei nu zie ik het:
met dit patroon heb ik mezelf afhankelijk gemaakt van zelfverraad.
Dus houd ik het in stand om in leven (als mind) te blijven.

Als ik in het patroon zie, in de patron, de baas als de mind, zie ik hoe het is opgebouwd en kan ik het gaan stoppen; ik kan gelijk gaan staan als de mind en baas in eigen huis worden, zelfbewegend in het fysiek.
Als een vorm van verraad zich opnieuw voordoet, als iemand zichzelf verraadt, zie ik dat iemand zichzelf verraadt. Ik zie hoe enorm weids verbreid dit verraad is in de wereld, dus ja, het komt nog veelvuldig voor.
Ik stop deelname hierin door te stoppen met beschuldigen hiervan, door te stoppen met iets erg te vinden, door te stoppen met mijzelf afhankelijk te houden van de ander van de mind, door te stoppen met mezelf te beschuldigen van zelfverraad en door te stoppen met mezelf redenen, bevestiging te geven voor zelfverraad.
Kortom: door te stoppen met mezelf afhankelijk te houden van de mind van zelfverraad.

Ik start met zelfvergeving van alle zelfoordelen die zijn voortgekomen uit het zelfverraad en van iedere keer dat ik dit zelfverraad heb bevestigd. Ik start met zien in de woorden die ik aan dit zelfverraad heb gekoppeld, van kinds af aan aangezien dit patroon zich vanaf de geboorte heeft gemanifesteerd, en terug, in het DNA is gevestigd.

Ik stop met het bevestigen van het DNA door te stoppen met zelfbeschuldiging en toe te passen het vergeven van mijzelf als mind.

Stop de bevestiging van het DNA:
http://www.desteni.net/
http://www.desteniiprocess.com/

Living via the love of/for another person

Feeling this enormous love for someone. It's not real but it feels so real, so overwhelming that it is hard to 'believe' that it's not real. This feeling of love becomes the reason for living. Actually it always was the reason for living, the searching for this love was the reason for living. And finally it is there.

What happen when this is so when a child is born? When the child is the reason for living for the parent? Than this feeling of love of the parent must be kept 'alive', because the parent self is not really alive. But what is necessary to keep this feeling of love alive? Actually to keep this illusion alive? Than one must live in illusion all the time, otherwise this feeling as illusion cannot stand. But the child is not living in illusion, it is pure and alive, in breath. But it sees a living example of an illusion day in day out. This is giving confusion; the inside world is not in agreement with the outside world. The child needs the caretaking of this parent, so it is going to adapt to this illusion. Slowly the inside world, the breath, the real life, is given up to become in agreement with the outside world, the illusion.

Of course this is given friction. Nothing is real, nothing is alive. And the one thing that is alive, inside, is going to be hidden. Because everytime this is shown to the parent the parent, yes what is happening than? Is it stolen? How can this be stolen? It is not stolen, it is given away. The child starts to 'feel' responsable for the parents life, because the parent must keep the child alive. And with this feeling responsable for the parent, the breath of the child is given away by the child, going into the mind as feeling responsable. And the parent has exactly what it was searching for, another being that is keeping the illusion of the feeling of love for this other being alive. And one big bubble of illusion is created, both trapped in this bubble of conditional love.

Grown up, the child is trying to get away from this. But this structure has already been manifested inside. It will ask the parent to see inside itself, but the parent willnot do that because than it must see into the illusion, and by seeing into this the reason for living, the bubble of love, will burst apart. And it's been hidden al the time by the words "but I love you, what did I do wrong? You are the one who is running away from me, who is ignoring me, who is not speaking nice to me. I am doing nothing".
Exactly here it is, the parent is doing nothing. Nothing to change inside.
And by this trying of the child to let the parent see into this, the parent is still keepen alive, because somehow this is affirming this doing nothing. Because, why does the child wants the parent to change? Because the child itself does also not know how to get out of this structure that is build inside. It has given away the will to live, the Selfwill. It has made itself dependent on the parent who is doing nothing, and for this it is trying to change the parent, which has the opposite effect, which is still keeping alive the parent who is not changing at all, and the child itself is also not changing at all because of this waiting for something outside to change.
The whole situation is waiting and ofcourse an immense feeling of quilt is created inside.
For a new love who can save them, who can give 'new life'. Out of this misery, out of this missing of the Self, of Life, of Breath.
Isn't this Jesus on a cloud?
Waiting for Jesus on a cloud who is going to bring 'new life', who is bringing forgiveness.

Everytime my mouth is falling open, yes like the fish outside of the water, when this still happen in the relationship. And I finally see where I myself give away myself: by trying to make the other person to see inside himself. Everytime I do this, I feel like he is 'walking away' with these words as me and still doing nothing himself. He is even going to ask for this, by sayng sorry, and when I say, see inside yourself, don't say sorry, he is satisfied, sais yes and walks away. Doing nothing. I really cannot 'believe' this, but I donot have to believe this because believing is nothing real. I just see it here before my eyes and I have to stop this behaviour of myself immediately. Why must he change? Am I dependent on him for breathing? No. It is about money. The substitute for life as the bread of life. And about sex, the substitute for life as breath as life.
And when he walks away I become so angry, Í hate him as myself for doing this so much, that I cannot even look at him anymore, I cannot bear him around me and I don't want him to move because I cannot move as myself anymore. The hate as the opposite of love is created.

Can a person walk away with words as me? Only if I speak as the mind, because I loaded these words with my own interpretation. Speaking words as Self as Life are Alive, so these words are innocent, free of interpretation, free of my ego. With speaking words as the mind I give away my ego, which hurts as ego. And I create this interpretation that I gave to the words. Did we 'own' words with doing this? Trying to 'own' a person with speaking these words?
Yes! That also happens from parent to child. Owning the children with speaking loaded words of/as the mind.

Another thing is that this structure has manifested inside my large intestine. Somehow I started to hide the pooping, and this must have something to do with the innocence of this. Maybe with the equality of all people? And for not wanting to be equal as the parent with whom I was in this bubble of love, I started to stop this equality? When I cannot poop I have vaginal secretion, vaginale afscheiding (seperation). I don't want to be equal with the other person and for that I stop pooping. I 'refuse' to poop, to be equal in the pooping. (And this patron started with the refusing to eat at 16th, actually the same thing, not wanting to be equal in the visible things that we are equal in, to eat and to poop; not wanting to live like this).
Refusing. Re-fusie. Back in the fusie. The fusie with the mind.
So with refusing things as the ego I go back in the fusie with the mind. The mind keeps in (re)fusion with refusion.
So with refusing to be equal as the other person I keep myself in fusie with the mind, so seperated from myself as Life.
Holy shit. Heilige shit. Heilige poep. Holy as diffused by the White Light, by 'God'.

Another thing, the feeling of betrayal that is coming up everytime that someone is living via the words that I speak (as mind) and doing nothing himself; and also that I feel when I cannot poop. It is the betrayal of myself. Everytime I do this, I affirm myself that I am dependent on the other person, so I confirm the mind as money, and I betray myself as Life, I give away myself with the loaded words to the other person who walks away with this words, and I feel empty and confused because I affirmed the mind so I am back into the mind, out of Life. Back in the mind which I just gave away with speaking words as the mind to the other person. Shock, stuck. Left behind empty, stuck in the mind.

I stopped breathing and everytime I create this patron I stop breathing again, or actually I see that I stopped breathing and I see affirmed this shock (the fish), and by repeating this patron I affirm this stopping of breathing.

And what did I 'think' many times? That it would be easy if the other person (parent) would be dead. That was the only way that I could see to come out of this structure. Ofcourse I could always see that this was not a solution, that I didnot really want this, that I had to stand up in this myself. I was 'lucky' to have the opportunity to go out of the house and sort things out (as far as possible at that time) inside myself. So I can imagine that this is also 'a reason' for committing suicide, known as the only way out of this structure. 
I could walk away out of the house, and this was the only solution that I knew for myself. So that is what I kept doing in relationships, or I walked away or the other person walked away, not able to free myself from this structure.

I finally see into the illusion of this feeling of love. From experience I know how overwhelming this feeling is, which makes it hard to 'believe' that this is not real. Actually I was still angry because I didnot feel this in the situation I am in now, waiting for someone else that I did feel this love for. Waiting for Jesus on a cloud.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to wait for Jesus on a cloud.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be angry that I didnot feel this overwhelming love anymore and the other person did, instead of seeing that it's a real fuck to be in this illusion of love.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that this feeling of love was real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel unequaled by missing this illusion of feeling of love, instead of seeing that this missing is the missing of myself as Life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to try to confince the other person last year that my feeling of love was real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to live via this feeling of love for the other person last year, even though I 'knew' there was something not real with this.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the person I feel this love for is special and with this I make myself dependent on this one special person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to live in the illusion of inequality with the searching for this one special person to become one with.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that it would be more easy if the parent that was living via the love for me were dead, to come out of this bubble of love.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to be dead myself to come out of this structure that I created inside.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to walk away everytime that I got stuck in this structure in relationships, and with this I kept the structure inside alive.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to 'choose' man who walked away, and for this I didnot had to see inside this structure inside myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to stop, to refuse pooping and eating to try to not be equal and one as the person who lived via the love for me, instead of seeing that with this I refused myself in and as the mind, so I seperated myself from myself and stucked myself completely.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I had to be one with the other person, and for not wanting this I refused, instead of seeing that I have to be one as mySelf.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to betray myself by affirming the mind of the other person and of myself by speaking words as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that another person can walk away with me as my words.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I/people can own words.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to speak words as/of the mind, and for that I created over and over again the same situation, untill it was so large that it cannot be missed.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to stop breathing, to go into shock everytime this structure is coming up.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I could change another person instead of seeing that with this I make myself dependent on the other person as the mind and instead of seeing that I as myself have to change.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel responsable for the live of the parent or of the boyfriend.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to give up myself as life by feeling responsable as the mind for the life as the mind of another person, and for this affirming the mind over and over again.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be triggered everytime I see the structure of doing nothing or I hear the words doing nothing.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am/can be responsable for the life of another person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel quilty everytime that I was not able to be 'nice and friendly' to the other person who was living via the love for me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hate myself and the other person so much for creating this structure and walking away from it.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be confused by the difference, the seperation between the inside and the outside world.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to give up the real life inside for the believing that the life as mind outside is real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to be the reason to live for for another person, instead of seeing that I am the reason to live as Self as Life as Breath.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to wait for another person to feel love for, so that I can finally start living, created by myself by giving away myself as (reason to) Live/Life as Breath.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to keep the structure with a boyfriend alive, also if I felt he was living via the love for me, because I couldnot live as myself as Life as Breath.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use this structure of living via the love of/for another person to not be left alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame the other person who was living via the love for me, instead of seeing that I did the same as living via the love of the other person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to

If not, if I was living as myself as Life as Breath, than I would not have felt so misarable by this. If I feel miserable I am living in/as the mind, missing myself, so dependent, de-pen-ding (penny) on something outside me. And for that the other person must change.
And this change must be fast, because if it's not fast than I am afraid that I couldnot stand 'him' (as myself as this structure) anymore and than he or I must walk away. Fear of lost. Creating by speaking the words which are loaded with this fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that a change must be fast, otherwise I cannot bear him as me as this structure anymore, instead of seeing that seeing into this structure takes time, and by trying to do it fast the chance to solve is suppressed.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to find the other person so stupid to not see into the own behaviour, instead of seeing that I find myself so enormous stupid to not see into my own behaviour.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to find myself so enormous stupid for not seeing into my own behaviour as the reactions that I create inside by speaking loaded words.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel so desperate by being not able to see yet how I create my own reactions inside.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel so used by this patron.
It has become a demon on itself, manifested in/around the large intestine.
By being surprised, shocked, suppressed every time, surprised that another person is not seeing what is going on, I go into the mind again, into the story of another person, and I suppress myself again by going into the mind and than become surprised because I cannot see what is going on because I suppressed myself.

Why am I so angry that the other person wants to live via his love for me here at this moment?
Because it's triggering this patron.
But what else? That I cannot walk away at this moment? That I am responsable for another person as myself as Life? That I cannot use the other person anymore for feeling alive myself, not in any way? Is it panic for no way out, no back door?

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be so angry that I cannot walk away anymore out of this situation, out of this mirror.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be so angry that I have to stand for another person as myself as Life, and for that I cannot walk away or send away the other person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be so angry that I cannot use the other person anymore for feeling alive myself, not in any way.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be so angry that this patron has manifested inside my body because for this I cannot be Here as long as it is manifested inside my body.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not believe that I can solve this myself, and for this I panic, afraid of being stuck into this mindstructure forever manifested in the body.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to stay into this mindstructure forever. 
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to never start seeing into this patron if this structure wouldnot have manifested inside my body the way it did.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not believe that I could stand up in this patron and for this, I allowed to manifest it inside my body.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use this manifested structure inside my body as protection against the feeling of this patron.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to need this structure manifested inside my body to start seeing inside myself and to keep on seeing inside myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel so used and abused and raped at the same time.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to go on and on in this structure, as this pain is going on forever, instead of standing up in/as myself and stop being a victum of it.

I apply these s.f on the words that I write and I speak them loudly here but it's not yet really effective, only for seeing into this whole pattern. I am still into refusing, reacting.
(And I translated patroon, pattern as patron, which is something like boss).

no decision

I am not one and equal as the words I speak.
I speak them of the mind but I cannot yet live them.
If I say, yes you can live her as a roommate. I notice now that I have conditions for this.
I want him to see that he is creating his own consequences and I want him to care for the house.
For seeing into the creation of the consequences and to stop creating this, you have to start with applying self-forgivenesses. If not, than over and over the same situation will be created because it has not been forgiven. He is asking me to forgive him everytime, by asking me if I am still angry at him. And when I act 'normal', we are 'good' again. I am doing all the speaking and trying to convince him.
Today finally it was spoken into words that he is living via 'his love for me'. Somewhere this was hidden, just as it was hidden in the house where I grew up. But I 'felt' it all the time. This patron make and had make me sick. I allowed it; because I was dependent on the other person? Because I believed that this was true?

But this is a point that is confusing me:
In the article of Jesus about forgiveness there is written, if you will not really apply s.f., than I have to ask you to leave. Than I cannot live with you.
Isn't this a condition?

I wanted to make a decision about sharing the rent and stopping the subsidy for the house. But for this, I need to know if he is creating trouble at work again or not. At the moment I see no change, actually it's getting worse, he is creating a lot of noise to not start with seeing inside himself, and I am creating noise by trying to force him into this so that I donot have to make the decision myself. So I cannot make this decision. And I donot want to make this decision, because I don't want to live with him if I am not absolutely sure that another man is not coming back. "I have to know if we would have a change together or not. I cannot forgive myself yet for not waiting for that guy and start the process with another man, when I was in process with z." (mindtalking). This process was at distance, but still it was a process.
This point I have to see in side myself. It is something like 'choosing between mom and dad'. Dad was not really here but I wanted to be with him, mom was too close and for that I didnot want to be with her.
It's not a process with another being, it's a process within myself and the other beings are reflecting this.
When I say it like this, I can see that there may be two other beings who are reflecting me in the process. That's the dissension which is present inside me. Not one and equal as myself.
Than what is an agreement?
At the moment it's about relationships. Can I have more than 2 relationships?
Yes. the mind makes 100 relationships with everything possible. (For that, it's an issue to be 'monogam' when you are living as the mind, with all the seduces of the mind). So I am sorting out the relationships issues, and for that, there are two man involved. Well actually one in present and one in the mind, because I donot have contact with him. But he is living near by. Maybe it's all an illusion. I will see into this.
Ok so I cannot say, I am walking into an agreement with m, also not in future, because I donot know what that is as long as I am living in/as the mind, and I donot know what way everything goes. We both cannot stand as the words that we have spoken in the past. So I am not making decisions at the moment because of the money; I am not forcing myself anymore for making a decision because of the money. I am not making decisions at all. Untill I can see clearly what is going on, untill I can move as myself. And than it is not a decision anymore because a decision is as/of the mind.

Here it start to become unconditionally. Not 'out of love/respect for the other', which is 'out of fear for the mind', but in respect for myself as Self, giving myself time to sort things out. (mmm I am not yet standing one and equal as these words; so much structures inside myself).

htcatid=66:jezus&Itemid=296tp://desteni.org/a/jesus-the-guidelines-of-forgivness-part-1

http://www.desteni.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=262:jezus-richtlijnen-voor-vergeving&catid=66:jezus&Itemid=296

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to speak so much bullshit.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I speak so much bullshit.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to live via the love for another person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be lived via the love for me of another person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fix myself as a way to try to get away for the other person who wants to live via the love for me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that another person can live via the love for me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not know how to be with another person who is trying to live via the love for me without reacting on this.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the illusion of the love of another person has something to do with me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use this feeling of being fixed by the love of another person for me, to not stand up and speak up as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel so much a victum of this patron because it has manifested inside my body, and for this I feel it over and over again.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not know how I can clean this up, instead of seeing that I do not have to know, because knowing is as/of the mind.

I see now that I have resistance inside me for taking responsability for this being fixed by the love of someone else, because I didnot create it as it was happening to me as a little child. "I could not help it". So I want to stay angry about this and not stand up as myself. I have the 'idea' that the other person has to deal with this, because the other person is 'doing' this. It's his problem, not mine.
I am not standing equal and one as self as the other as this whole patron of being fixed by the conditional love that we all are being raised with. And what am I doing? Creating conditions.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am not responsable for this patron of being fixed by conditional love, and for this, I create conditional love to make this patron visible.

The same point as I wrote a message about: I can be deceived and at the same time be responsable for standing up in this.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not want to do any labour, 'trouble' for another person to see into this, and by refusing this, I allow him to create trouble, and so I have trouble myself as well.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not want to do any labour, trouble for myself to see into this, and for this I blame the other person for this when he is making the patron visible.

So that's where trouble is coming from: Not wanting to do labour, trouble, as seeing inside everything inside ourselves, and for that creating trouble outside ourselves untill we have no choise anymore than doing labour/trouble by cleaning the mess we created.

Asking him to go is not standing equal and one as this whole point of the trouble that is coming forward out of conditional love. This patron will remain inside myself as long as I am not standing equal and one as it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that it's so painfull to see inside this patron of conditional love, that I want to send away the person that is reflecting this patron inside me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that he has to solve this for himself, and I have to solve this for myself too, and that this is not possible when we are living in one house, instead of seeing that I again ask him to solve it and than come back, and with this, I walk around my own pain by sending away the mirror who reflects this pain.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am responsable for the life of another being, and with believing this I gave up on myself and gave away my self-responsability, because what sense does this make if I cannot stand up in myself as self but only as a reason to live for another being?
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I couldnot stand up as myself without being used for the sense of life of another being.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I couldnot stand up as myself without loosing the love/life of another being.

Than again I donot understand the text of the guidelines of forgiveness of Jesus.
Maybe it's a step too far at the moment, as the mind is always walking forward, getting me out of what is Here. Using it as an excuse to walk around seeing into the painfull patron that I created inside myself.
I am not practical applying correcting applications yet.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to walk forward in the mind, and for this not allowing myself to be here and become one and equal with what is here, and for this not allowing myself to stand up in what is here.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed about writing over and over again about this subject.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed about struggling so much with relationshippoints and being busy with this 'personal stuff'.

to be deceived

Some point that is coming up over and over, day after day:
In the point that we were/are blind in, we feel, actually almost know for sure, that we are deceived by something outside us.
And in this blindless, we start to blame the one thing or person that we feel we are deceived by.

I do this myself daily.
The one thing that I am really going into blindless is the love in relationship.
I keep on blaming m each time he speaks words and next time he is not doing this, so I blame him that he is not standing one and equal as his words.
And I become angry.

But what am I angry about?
That I allowed myself to be deceived again, with the same words, the same promise, and this time I really 'believed' that things will be different now.
I allow myself to be deceived.
Why?
Because I don't want to do it all alone as myself; somewhere I am easy, or whatever, with being enslaved.
I cannot see this clearly but it must be this.
I am not standing one and equal as my own words.

And this is the deceive of the White Light.
Everyone has been deceived.
Everyone. Even Jesus.
Also E.T. and other lightworkers. Also the great world-leaders.
And everyone has to forgive him/herself for this.
In this we can see how enormous the deceive of the White Light is.
It's brilliant, blinding like a brilliant.
We all are deceived, and for this, or actually for not wanting to see into this, we allow ourselves to be deceived again; over and over again. By everything that is created by the White Light.
We have to see the equality in this to stand up in it and change ourselves as the world.
I have to see the equality in m to stand up in the situation and change myself as the world; to become equal and one as each reaction inside me that I have seperated myself from.

In my own situation I notice that each time I become angry at m about this, he is seeing (so I am seeing) a little peace, but nothing is changing. Somehow it's totally not 'working' at all.
When I become angry at him, react on him, I am not a living example.
I am not one and equal as myself as himself as the situation when I am angry, I make myself dependent on the mind, so I stay enslaved and for that I cannot stand up in it and change myself.
When I become angry I am still asking him to change, instead of changing myself.

How can I become a living example?
For this, I have to see into each time that I (allowed myself to) be deceived. Into the fear and pain that is connected with this.
In theory this is easy, in practical life it's another story, because in the point that we are blind in or have been, it suddenly seems to be justified to be angry at the other one.
And what am I doing as long as I donot see into the specific points where I allowed myself to be deceived? Than I have to stop my reactions, otherwise I cannot see a thing; blinded as I am by the energy of the mind, still connected to the illusion of the White Light.

I experience this every day inside myself, and every day I want to do it differently.
Or maybe that's the point, the question (thanks Mike :-) ):
Do I really want to change it as Self? Am I one and equal as Self as my Self-will?
Because if I really want it as Self, I will just do it.
So something inside me doesnot want it completely. My ego wants it differently.
And for this I react, I create energy, so my ego keeps the power and I cannot see where I have to change. And if I don't see it, I am not able to change. And everything remain the same.
I have to see inside myself why is that so; why I am so scared to change.
I have to see inside myself where I allowed myself to be deceived; where I have given away my Self-will.
Or should I say, I will see inside myself where I have given away my Self-will?
Not have to or must, but will? As Syl was speaking about yesterday.

My Self-will to Live.

control and forgive - propagation/procreation

He is not doing what he is saying.
One moment he sais, I am going to do it different, next moment he is going away and again not doing what he was saying.
It makes me feel so desperate.
Again and again this is giving trouble with the work at the temporary employment agency.
How can I share a house with him if every 6 weeks there are trouble with the work?
And again this is all about money. I am scared that he gets so much trouble that he cannot pay half of the rent of the house.
But is this the only thing? If somebody is not seeing the consequence of his actions, than I cannot trust him. If I give him the responsability for the half of the rent of the house, than I cannot catch this anymore. If he cannot pay, than I also have a problem.
But till now he always paid what he has to pay, so what am I making worries about? About the way he is doing his things? I am scared that he will be kicked out of the system and cannot work anymore.
Okay, than it's about this fear: to be kicked out of a system.
If you donot obey the rules, than you are kicked out.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be scared to be kicked out of a system.

But there is more. When one moment he sais yes, you speak real, I will do that. And 30 minutes later he is not doing it, than what happens inside me?
I feel so surprised, as suppressed, that I cannot speak anymore. Like a fish with an open mouth out of the water, unable to speak; "I cannot believe this".
It feels like betrayal.
He is lying in my face.
Am I stimulating this? By forcing him to say things that he cannot stand as?
Am I forcing him to say things that I cannot stand as? And for that he must stand as?
Am I standing as what I am saying?
Am I standing as what I am asking?

Do I want to share the house if he is doing as he speaks?
Or do I still not want to share the house than? Am I also lying about that?
Does it matter what I want?
I don't want him to stay and I don't want him to go.
What is this?

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am standing as my words, while I am not sure if this is real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am not lying.

He is walking away for my control.
Is he? He is walking away for his own control.
And I am walking away for my own control by projecting this.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am never coming out of this.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am not able to free myself from my mindstructure.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that it's too much.

I must control myself to not become angry again at him, to not go into this reaction again.
Control or forgive?
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that this controling is not going away by simply forgiving myself. 
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I cannot be forgiven.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be sad that I have to do it all alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel unequaled by the thinking that I must do all the work.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel so patronized when somebody is speaking yes and doing no, and for this, I am going to patronize the other person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not believe that the other person is really doing as he is speaking.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not know what it is to be equal with a man.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think that a man is so stupid that he is doing over and over again the same stupid thing without correcting himself, without even seeing that he is doing this.
So I am patronizing the man with this thinking.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to patronize the man with the thinking that he is so stupid to do the same stupid thing over and over again.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not be able to forgive the man that he is doing the same stupid thing over and over again, because when I do this, when I forgive this, he will not ever correct himself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the man will not correct himself if I forgive him instead of controling him.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the man will only correct himself if I control him, instead of seeing that the mind is turning this around, that this controling has the opposite effect.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to control myself instead of forgive myself, which has the opposite effect: With doing this I still keep doing the same stupid things.

To control is as the mind, so the correction will be in/as the mind; the correction will be dead.
To forgive is as self, so the correction will be in/as self; the correction will be alive.

Nobody wants to give in as the mind, so we keep on controling.
And for this we stay enslaved on the mind, so actually we are already totally given in, into the mind.

Not to give in the mind, but to forgive the mind.

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I suddenly see there is something so much bigger behind this.
It has something to do with the church.
The patronizing of the female. But maybe not the female but mankind in general. So the patronizing in general.

It is linked to the cyclus. Every month I feel it, before ovulation I feel up, after ovulation I go down. It's like I am for no use anymore after the ovulation which is translated in not knowing what to do, not feel like doing anything, 'no sense', etc. I am still controled by the cyclus (by the procreation), even when the so called 'childwish' has stopped. It is much less, but still there. So up and down, polarity.
For seeing this I maybe connect it with the female part, but male and female are both trapped in this cycle.
Female notice this earlier than man, because the female is going into this cycle every month inside her own body. And this is what I feel, that I have to speak and speak and speak to the male. And he sees she is speaking real words, but he doesnot want to see his own roll. Actually he still doesnot believe that it also has something to do with him. Maybe he even suppress the female without really wanting this, just to not see his own painfull roll and suppression. Untill he is really standing with his back to the wall, untill he has brought the consequences into reality so that it cannot be missed anymore.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be angry at the male-part for not wanting to see his own roll and suppression.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel patronized, ignored and suppressed by the male-part.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to give into this patronizing, ignoring and suppressing by the male-part.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame the male-part for this patronizing, ignoring and suppressing, instead of seeing that this is coming forward of the total patronizing, ignoring and suppressing by the mind in general.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be patronized, ignored and suppressed by the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the female is more victum than the male.

I had a communication with a bobtail-femaledog this monday. One year ago she ran away and lost her way in the wood. Through communication we started to know that she is caught and keepen alive, really isolated. But nobody could find her.
Several person have been busy with this situation. After a year she is still not found but she is alive.

In the communication it was difficult to communicate because she had given up in someway (and also or maybe largely because my own mind was in the way).
But when I asked her if she wanted to say something to her early caretaker, she said:
There is a whole web behind. She got caught in a web.
She doesnot know if she herself can make it, but there is a stud/breed trade into the direction of Germany.
On the question if she is used for breeding she didnot confirm, she didnot mention little dogs etc.
She had a very unclear rol, something like waiting al the time.
It seems she is forgotten; used as distraction, and finally it became clear: used as cloak, cover (dekmantel).
For some illegal breedtrade. If anyone ask where a dog is coming from, they can show her as the mother.
For the rest, she is hidden in a shed, day in day out.
So, she gave up on her own life, but she would like to see that this trade will be stopped.
That is what she wanted to tell her early caretaker.

Three times I got a top of the iceberg of the information but somehow it was coming and going, my heart was beating faster because I noticed that it was very big what she was trying to communicate. My mind was veiling this. Or actually, it was too large to believe, this betrayal, like the fish with an open mouth out of the water.

Isn't this exactly how we all are used?
Caught in this web of propagation/procreation.
So in a larger perspective, the dog was saying, she want this whole web of propagation, of procreation, of the mindstructure, to be stopped. And maybe she even ment this by saying she wanted this to be stopped.
(The communication and searching will go on, a volunteer has made this her task which is really great if I can use this word)

Tomorrow I have a meeting with a dear familymember who is involved into christianity. And I am scared, because I know, I have to stand up in this. In this whole web of propagation, procreation.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be scared to stand up in this whole web of propagation, procreation.

Zegveld - Sayfield

Dictating, to say, zeggen. It's all about dictating other people.
Called into life to try to make the environment we live in 'safe'.
To make it safe in a world of polarity.
To make a world of polarity safe, we have to dictate each other.
Which of course is not 'working'.
To make the world around us how we want it.
Which is not 'working' of course. Because we all want, think, feel something different.

With dictating the other person, each time we dictate we move away from ourselves a little more.
And with this, the environment becomes each time a little bit more unsafe.
(Because the only safe place is to be one and equal as self as life).
Dictating, controling of the mind is moving away from self. the environment becomes a little bit more unsafe, so we have to dictate a little bit more; with this we move away again a little bit more into the mind, away from self, so the environment becomes a little bit more unsafe again, etc.

I noticed myself dictating in a relationship.
I finally saw how I created a huge future-projection within myself by 'hoping' for another person to relate myself with.
And each time it didnot 'work' (I work a lot as you can see), I created disappointment.
But I still kept on thinking that is must be possible, even knowing that it would be possible.
And trying and trying again. Creating hope that this time I will 'manage' (well I became a manager already).
'Climbing to the top' of being an 'expert' in having relationships (and still not succeed to 'stay togehter' with someone). I made a whole career of it...
And by trying so hard to make the relationship 'work', I had to dictate. Otherwise I couldnot control this whole structure of the mind.
And I had to dictate and the other person had to become responsable, because I only could have sex with a person trhat is responsable for himself, whatever that may be that the other person must become that I myself am not yet in/as myself. So the other person must be responsable, or 'standing straight in/as himself' because I cannot stand as myself yet. So still the other person must do this in my place.
Why?
So that I can have sex?
So that there is no trouble with making money?

It are again these two points that make the rules of a relationship.
Okay with money we create a safe environment for having food and a place to stay.
How do we create a safe environment with having sex? To make sure that the other person is not going away? To keep me breathing because in the mind the only way to experient oneness is by completing myself as the mind with another person, so completing as feeling alive through having sex with another.
But why must the person I have sex with be responsable? Why can I not have sex with a person who is not yet responsable? Must he be a perfect mirror for me, so that I cannot see my own lack of self-responsability? "Protected' by a reflection that is 'overruling' me so that I cannot see myself?
mmm I donot exactly see into this.

Sex in/as the mind became the breath of life.
Money became the bread of life.





But what about keeping the environment safe by dictating?
What happen when we stop dictating?
Than the mind falls apart.
Nothing is sure anymore, no structure will leave.

So dictating is dictating the structure of the mind alive.
Ofcourse, the structure as the mind created by the words of/as the mind, as words are creating.
So dictating is keeping/making the structure of the mind alive, creating a lot of polarity so a lot of dictating is necassary to keep the structures alive. Structures build to keep our personal (mind)environment safe.

I stop dictating inside and outsite myself. Actually I never understand why this dictating was necessary, I didnot like it at all, but still I created this inside myself.
I knew all the time that this was not who I am, so for this I kept it in silence, I suppressed it.
I didnot dictate outside, only inside.
But with this keeping in silence I could not see myself as a dictator and also not become one and equal as myself as dictator. I seperated myself from myself as dictator. So the dictating was going on inside me and still reflecting outside me, without seeing a possability to change this.

Thanks to z and m I could see me as the dictator and now I can become one and equal as me as the dictator, which makes me able to stand up in it and stop this behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I had to learn to dictate to direct my environment, instead of seeing that I have to practise speaking as Self to direct myself.

Living in Zegveld (Sayfield), starting to see the dictator inside myself.

I cannot exactly see how I come to this realization, but there is only one answer possible:

I abused myself to feel alive.

In general:
The people around us are reflecting this, but the self-abuse is too painfull to see, so we started to dictate the environment. This is the only way to control the reflections. To dictate the structures of the mind alive with words of the mind, to not let the structures of the mind fall apart. because what is under/behind this, is not so nice to see.
This is what makes us feel unsafe; the mirror that reflects our self-abuse, hidden behind/suppressed by the dictated mind-structures which can fall apart in any moment.
Because it reflects that we are actually create an unsafe environment inside ourselves, by abusing and attacking ourselves. And this is reflecting the whole world at the moment: the unsafe environment that we created inside ourselves; by living in and as the mind, in and as polarity, in and as judgementsystems.

I must admit (??) that I feel sick because of this realization; or actually I feel the pain in my body and throat, created by this self-abuse and by suppressing of seeing into this.
Sick and relieved at the same time, because with seeing this I can no longer make myself dependent on another person, which means that I can heal myself.

I am out of breath because of this, of keeping the mind-structure alive.
Out of breath.
And for coming into breath I needed sex (as written above).
To keep myself alive with a substitution for breath. To keep the structure of the mind alive.
And this is where the lust is coming up. As an excuse of the mind to hide what kind of abuse is hidden behind this structure; to keep the illusion, the substitution of breath alive. To keep us enslaved to the (sexual)mind.

That's something. This again points out why many woman have bladder infection after having sex (mentioned in 'Heaven and Hell).
They are really pissed off.
Pissed off by allowing the self-abuse and self-seduction.
Seduced by the mind, by the (sexual) words of the mind, by the penis, by the vagina.

It's one big kutzooi.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be seduced and abused by the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be angry to be seduced and abused by the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to project this being angry at other people.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to really like the seduction of the penis and the vagina without really seeing what was going on.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be angry that I can no longer allow myself to be seduced by the penis and the vagina.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be disappointed that I can no longer allow myself to be seduced by the penis and the vagina.

Where was I?

Not in breath.
I didnot realize at all what it is to be in breath.
From time till time I 'tried' 4 count breath (and I was speaking to M: trying is nothing, you have to apply it).
This evening I read about breath.
And I suddenly saw what it contains to be in/as breath constantly.
There is no more space for relations at all. I am with me as me. That's all there is.
No way back to go into what illusion ever. Just no way back.
Because in breath there is no space for self-dishonesty.
If there is self-dishonesty, than I am not in breath, than I am in/as the mind.
I cannot MISS this anymore. So I cannot miss myself anymore; I have to see myself.

Am I happy? No. My mind is giving feelings of sadness and saying goodbye. Mourning.
Did I expect to be happy?
I don't know. I only know that I can see now why everyone is giving resistance to see and apply.
Because when you see and apply, there is REALly no way back.

This will be something I have never been.
A whole new world starts. 
I notice that the emotions stay very short now. I cannot remain in it anymore.
I move through them much faster. And at the same time everything (which must be the mind) is slowing down.

Dictator

Growing up in an unsafe environment as living in the mind is unsafe because of existing in and as polarity.
Controling everything outside, because you never know when the mind will attack you (as the mind).
Spying around, eyes in the backhead, to see if everything is safe.
Isn't this what soldiers are doing in a war?

But I didnot go into the field.
I kept control inside:
I became a dictator.
Controling everything from inside out.
Sitting as a dictator behind the desk.
Keeping the power inside myself by not reacting outside about what I saw.
Speaking, sharing myself was as giving away the power. And when you do this living in and as the mind, this can be used against you. So I kept it inside, stored it inside. Everything I put in an archive.
And when somebody did something that was not 'okay', I could point this out with an example out of my archive. I created associations (=a-sociaal, not social). I became very good (God) at this, which gave me a lot of 'power'.
And most of this I was also doing inside; again keeping the power inside myself.
It is almost like I was creating a nucleair bomb inside myself.
Not using but keeping in readyness for you never know when necessary.

But ofcourse, I must also live faultless. So I had to dictate myself inside myself too.
I had to be and become a living example of a faultless mind, and with this, I killed all the life inside, step by step.
Step by step is not breath by breath, it's the opposite.
Step by step is to step upon life with heavy boots, like soldiers are wearing.
In the field you need heavy boots.
A dictator also needs heavy boots. As an example of the power of the mind.
Now I see why I don't like heavy boots which step on everything in the garden, killing all plants and insects. Like an elephant in a china-cabinet.
Now I can see my own heavy boots, killing all life inside, step by step.

I have made an archive inside my intestine. (Probably inside my whole body but the intestine I am most aware of). Here I stored my own reactions on and as the mind outside and inside.
Because being busy with controling everything outside myself, I couldnot see into my own reactions inside. There was no space to feel this, because when I would feel this, I was in too much pain. Than I couldnot hide this anymore and I had to share this with other people, which was not safe.
So I had to store this, pushing away every feeling (which is still as the mind).
For this I stored it all in the large intestines as the place where the emotions are stored. And I had to control it, so I created a cramp, to keep it in place.

So after leaving the house where I was born, I started to see into this archive. I felt every pain, I become one with every pain. But I kept circeling around in it. And by seeing into this at last I fixed it again, by trying to understand this as-with the mind and to solve this with-as the mind. To feel everything was still as the mind, so it didnot solve anything. I kept circling in and as the grief inside. I only salved it.

I have to write out this structures to see into this, not step by step but breath by breath. To see into my own reactions instead of being busy with the mind of other people. To breath every footprint/imprint into Life.
Not feeling it as the mind but breathing through as Self.
To forgive myself for allowing and accepting every footprint that killed life and to forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I was doing good as God with this.
To see every equality with all life as the mind, to become one and equal as it so I can stand up in it and become Alive, one and equal as All Life as Self.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become a dictator inside and outside.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I had to go into the field as a soldier which I was not capable of, instead of seeing that a dictator and a soldier are creating, allowing and accepting the same war.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I had to go (back) into the the field of war, instead of seeing that I can write and breath myself into the field of Life.

Can you see your own created structure of war inside yourself?
http://www.desteniiprocess.com/

MISery

Physical complaints are coming forward out of two things:
No (healthy) food and water, no place to stay, no hygiene outside
Missing ourselves through living in the mind (= no hygiene inside).

These are the two principles which we are standing in and as desteni:
To introduce an equal money system
To become one and equal as Self as (All) Life walking desteni-I-process.

In my life I've been 'a lucky one' to always have healthy food, a place to stay, and also free choice in and moneysupport for education.

And still I was exhausted when I was 35.
So it must be the other principle that was missing:

Missing myself.
And for this, I created a lot of MISery inside.

This missing of the self is creating pain in the body, we become equal and one as the mindstructures inside.
The mind is always searching for attention, for a relation to fill the empty place.

One year ago I had a dream.
I was in the middle of a relation-process.
A friend of me told me in the dream: you are still seeing yourself as a half.
Waking up I knew this was an important line, but I didnot really see into it.
Now I can see, I was living as the mind, seeing myself as a half, searching for the other half to fill the empty place/space. And as long I am living in/as the mind, I am experiencing this.

For this, we always keep searching for attention, which is living outside ourselves.
This is giving complaints of exhaustion inside.
When a complaint has manifested in the body, the complaint itself is used to get attention.
Actually this complaint, being busy with this complaints, is filling the empty space in the mind.
Via the complaint the mind is getting attention from outside or from the own mind inside. Which actually is an affirmation of the mind. And by this the mind is getting bigger. And than it needs more attention to manifest itself. Creating another complaint or worse. Used to get more attention; etc.

MISery.

By affirming the complaints which is affirming the mind, the misery is becoming bigger and bigger, so the mind is becoming bigger and bigger. Which is bringing forward that you miss yourself more and more, being away in the mind.

This is applyable for every behaviour, build up from reactions, which is unacceptable. This behaviour has to be stopped, otherwise it becomes bigger and bigger. It may create complaints. Which is actually a lot of information of the mind which is stored in the body - suppressed reactions and (self)-judgements, stored in the body - to not see what is under this:

Missing yourself.

And the complaints of itself are advancing unacceptable behaviour and reactions, and by this the circle is round.
So, let's stop all the unacceptable behaviours and patrons, all the reactions in and as the mind.
One by one, breath by breath.
To stop is the only way to give yourself the possability to see into the patrons.


A very cool sentence that I didnot realise is that in one breath there is no space for a thought.
So if you live breath by breath by breath, there is no space for a thought and it's possible to walk through.

 http://youtu.be/sZxGGHMAVbc
Video about depression in dutch where this principle and this sentence is seeing in.


I start within myself.
My unacceptable behaviour in the morning I stop, I did stop already.
I created a bubble around me which keeps everyone at distance.
Because I cannot handle my own reactions on another person being around.
And coming forward of these inner reactions I created a spasmolitic large intestine.
In morning this is giving the most dyscomfort.
Can I have an easely stool today or not?
This is defining my whole day.
And it is really not easy to live the whole day in pain and with a heavy belly, being too tired because this inner structure is suppressing all life.
But this is no reason to have unacceptable behaviour in the morning.
This is no reason to involve other people in my inner mindstructures.

I cannot see exactly how I created this patron inside.
I created an automatically reaction when somebody comes near in the morning. It are different reactions creating one automatically reaction inside.
When somebody says something and is not seeing inside him/herself, I automatically go in resistance within myself, which is the cramping inside.
I used to pick up everything that other people are pulling outside themselves.
I was affraid to speak up in the moment and actually I had no words to speak up.
So I collected it, and I stored it. I stored it automatically in the body, in the intestine.
Which is actually keeping the 'power' inside myself, by not speaking about what I saw that was going on.
With doing this, I didnot stand equal and one as the other person.

Still I am strongly reacting when I notice somebody is not seeing inside him/herself.
And in reverse I was doing the same!
With creating this bubble of resistance around me, which is not seeing inside myself, placing my reactions outside myself.
It feels so awfull that I didnot see into it yet in the moment; I react to try to keep it outside myself.
But with this reacting I keep myself dependent on this patron because I cannot see into it.
So I stop being busy with another layer as the unacceptable behaviour in the morning, which is hiding what is hidden under this behaviour.

I like to be quiet in the morning.
I cannot handle it when someone else is trying to get my attention.
Which I experience of going into the mind when somebody wants attention.
Is this real?
Isn't this turned around?
When I write this I ask myself if I am just not already in the mind and I don't want someone to get me out of my own mindstruggle. I need time in the morning means actually I need time to struggle in my 'own' mind.
?????
That's something.
Because, I can also have the same complaints when I am alone.
Is it related to people being around?
Or is it created by my reaction in contact with one person, and for this I made a connection to 'being with other people' and creating complaints.
It's a misleading of the mind to keep myself in isolation.

It's really amazing how long I have been busy with this one point, creating layer after layer on it which is making it big, huge.

The mind is eating the time away with doing nothing practical. And before we know we die.
' Time flies '. No we fly, in the mind.

Another point I see now is that I donot know how to communicate without being in the mind.
And for this, I go into my mind everytime I am with another person.
Being in the mind created as a protection against eventually attacks from the mind of other people.
But this being in the mind is 'working against' me. It is not protecting me, it is fixing itself, me as the mind.

Rose, the quinea pig, she told me already, the only place where you are save is within yourself.
Which ofcourse is as self and not as the mind, because a quinea pig doesnot have a mind.
She is not easely disturbed, which is very funny and also sometimes frustrated to see. Because it seems that nothing is bothering her! Which is true infact. The frustrating point is that I also want to be safe inside myself but I am not because I am not living as self yet.
She grew up in a safe environment.
Did she?
No actually not, she lives in the same world as I do and she is a little quinea pig, so safe is not really the word.
So she is aware of life as self anyway, if the world around her is safe or not.
She had a mom who was not asking her to be her fulfilment, so she had a Living Example equal and one as Life.
(Her mom also lived with me before).

What kind of (illusion of) protection is the White Light giving?
De mantel der liefde?
The veil of love?

Growing up in the illusion of a curse, there is no veil of love.
(And of course no awareness of Real Life).
There is only one place left: the mind.
But the mind is actually not safe at all. In the mind there is always polarity, the mind is one and equal as polarity. So how can this be safe? The positive gives always the negative in return. The mind attacks itself. Not safe at all.
Ofcourse there was a searching for this veil of love. In and as the mind. Which makes the feeling of emptyness inside only bigger and bigger; searching outside is searching in the mind is leaving self, leaving Life.
The veil of love is also not safe. If you donot play the rules of this love, you are kicked out, banned.
So this veil of love is a veil of manipulation. Not safe at all.

So inside or outside the White Light, it's never safe.
We all grew up in a very unsafe environment.

It feels like I am talking over and over about this subject.
Probably these are the 1000 times and more that I turned around in this structure in my head. Too much information for one blog.

I breath.
I write untill I see the unacceptable behaviour and mindstructures that created this.
I stop all the unacceptable behaviour coming forward out of the searching for attention to fill the empty place in the mind.
I forgive the unacceptable behaviour to become one and equal as it, so I can stand up in it.
I speak out loudly the self-forgivenesses.
One breath by one breath.

In The Netherlands many people have enough money for food and a roof above their head, but they are not happy and not healthy.
Than it must be coming forward of the missing of Self.
Completely stuck in the (mind)system, in and outside, which again is the same as the moneysystem.
So money or not, we are all slaves of it.
And we all grew up in a very unsafe environment, even if we didnot experience this indeed, without a Living Example eaqual and one as Life.
And if one grew up in the 'safety' of the White Light?
Than this is not safe anymore, because the White Light doesnot exist anymore.

Free yourself and become a Living Example.
http://www.desteniiprocess.com/
http://www.equalmoney.org/