2012 - Conditions

Today I realized that I created conditions by having conditions.
Which is not unconditional of course.
As example with m in the house, I want him to be financial stable before we can official share the house without social support. He is seeing this point and working on it, but he is 'falling back' every 2 months, having no work. What is my part in this? What can I 'do'? Actually nothing except leaving it completely to him and seeing in my own patterns around this, how I eventually support this creation of him not being financially stable.
I saw that creating this condition is creating this situation for myself that I am in. I create the condition that I am afraid of to happen.
So let's start applying s.f. on this.
Another thing that I do not see clearly is how much influence this has on this situation anyway. M has been at many places and they all say the same: in february there is little work. And I know that he really wants to work and also wants to do everything. So it is dependent on the money-system. He wants to work 5 days, there is no work at the moment. This is also a point that I will apply s.f. on, that I believed that everything is repairable, 'maakbaar' if you really want, in which I simply oversaw the whole inequality in the money-system. A real western 'enlightning' sight of the elite in which I was blinded in this area. (In other areas I experienced that this is not real, I was not able to create a life I wanted, so I never jumped into this theory completely, but in this area I was always able to 'manage' something so it seemed repairable). 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be scared to live in the house and share the finances together when m is not having a job and cannot pay halve of the rent etc that is needed without having social support.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that having a job is something that you always have in your own hands, instead of seeing that this is an illusion of the elite which I belong to, that I am one of the lucky ones who always have had enough money to have 'healthy' food and a house to live in, including some money to educate myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be afraid that with living with m I must experience what it is to not have food and a house to live in.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be afraid that he will pull me down into living in poorness because he is not taking full responsibility for himself as he is not seeing what the mind is.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that having food and a house to live in is only dependent on the gradation of one is seeing into self, instead of seeing that the money-system as it exists is not giving the chance to start education in seeing into self as it is keeping human beings enslaved to a survival mode in/as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame m for his survival mode living in/as the mind, instead of seeing that he is walking his own process which first is stabilizing himself financially.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be scared of this survival mode in/as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to go in this survival mode too when we share the house official and m has not enough money to pay half of the rent, instead of seeing that with worrying about this I am living in the same survival mode.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to live in the same survival mode by making worries about m having yes or no enough money in future to pay half of the costs.  
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to support the creation of this situation of living with m who is not yet financial stable by being afraid of living in poverty in future, as at the moment there is more than enough money to live, actually more than I had before when I was living alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be afraid to go back to living with very little money as I lived before when I was living alone, as this having a little bit more money was one of the reasons to go to live together in this house. 
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define money as 'my' money and 'm's' money.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be scared for loosing the extra money in future that I have now because m is not having enough money to pay for himself when we share the costs officially, so I have to pay for him than.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be scared to loose all the reasons for living together with m, and for this I will be stuck living in a situation that I don't want to without any reason.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to need a reason to live together with m in the house, instead of just living in this situation as it is in the physical.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to need a reason to live, as needing a reason is coming forward out of living in/as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed of the situation I live in, because in this I see my own creation coming forward out of me not yet able to stand alone, living as a mind-system.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed about me living as a mind-system.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed of being not yet able to stand alone., and for this I created this situation which I am not completely sure of that I want to live in.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to repeat myself in this over and over again, which is keeping me enslaved in/as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use having doubts as an excuse to not be Here in the physical, accepting the situation as it is and dealing with everything that is coming up in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not want to deal with any 'problem' that is coming forward out of living with m., and for this every little tiny thing that I am not satisfied with I see as a huge problem, in which I create a lot of energy.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use the living together with m in the house as a reason and excuse to create energy by being dissatisfied with every little tiny thing that I see in m not taking full responsibility for himself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use every little thing that I see in m not taking full responsibility for himself as a trigger-point to the thought that I am not sure if I want to live with m., which is an excuse to keep the relation in/as the mind alive.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not take full responsibility for myself by reacting on every little tiny thing that I see in m not taking full responsibility for himself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to paralyze myself completely by having conditions to myself and to others.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not want to place this blog, as when I place this blog the s.f. become 'real', and I don't want them to become real, I as the mind want to hold on to my conditions as a protection of myself and my environment.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create conditions to protect myself, instead of seeing that this conditions are keeping me in/as the mind, which is a very unsafe place that needs to be protected.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to just got blocked by the protection of my own conditions as my own environment, which I see reflected in protecting my environment as the house that I live in by making conditions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not want to change.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hold on to the conditions as the only connection to the mind, which I see reflected in holding on to the protecting of conditions that I make for taking care of the house as the only connection left between m an me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to need something outside me to satisfy me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make want to make the other person equal and one as me, instead of me becoming equal and one as myself as Life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to need a reason to live (together) to feel satisfied in and as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see how to correct myself in this.

When and as I see myself participating in making conditions in and as the mind I stop, I breathe. I put my two hands together to bring myself Here in the physical.
I see into the condition that I am speaking about, and within breathing I see what I need to do in the moment.

Here I go into needing, what I 'need' to do in the moment. I leave a backdoor to what I need in the moment.

Again:

I stop speaking immediately and start breathing. Within breathing I see what words are coming up. If there are no words, I don't speak and walk away. Here I start writing s.f. on every emotion of disgust I experience, which is coming forward out of a separation of myself.
I embrace myself in this horrible experience, until I am able to see into this with common sense.
I start speaking when I am able to speak without emotion as what is best for all.

Than how do I direct this situation while I am not yet able to speak without emotion?
I cannot direct the situation, I can only direct myself equal and one within/as the situation.
As long as I am speaking with emotion I am living in/as the mind and not yet able to direct myself as life.
I can apply s.f. on this.
Is this a condition again: that I can only speak when I am in breath?
This is how I silenced myself. I loose sight here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not yet be able to direct myself as life equal and one within/as the situation as who I am.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate myself from the environment I live in, which is living in self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to stuck myself within conditions.

I don't need to speak.
Somewhere I started believing that it was my job to speak to correct others, to keep the other person alive. And I was not able to speak so I started feeling guilty about this and stopped speaking as myself as I did not want others to live via me. And now I started to speak again, correcting others. Which I am so very tired of.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I need to speak to correct others instead of seeing that I only can speak as an expression of myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make myself so tired by the believe that I need to speak to correct others.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to start speaking to correct others to get myself out of the suppressed silence I got stuck in.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to stay in silence as myself.

When and as somebody is triggering me to start speaking a correction I stop, I breathe. I put my two hands together to bring myself Here in the physical.
I realize that when I feel triggered there is something in the mind going on. Somebody is triggering me to keep himself alive by my voice, and I am using my voice to keep the person out of the mind, believing that if I do not voice myself in here the situation will be out of control. So I keep myself alive by controling the situation/the other with my voice. With doing this I go in my mind myself, spinning out of control, and the other person is walking away, feeling alive by my voice.
This is all not voicing myself as Self, so I stop, I breathe.
I  breathe and allow myself to stay in silence, until I am able to speak as an expression of myself.

2012 - sex and the hormonal cycle

I notice within myself (for years and years) that the desire for sex is dependent on the hormonal cyclus. During ovulation I want sex; I just want sex, it can be with anybody. There is no resistance and the sex is always fine. I do not mean 'good' in positions or something like that, it's just that I like it the way it is during that time because I do not experience resistance.  After this I don't want it, it's the dale after the peak. And in the end of the cycle, before menstruation, after the struggle of the period before menstruation where an unseen point is coming up, (which can be created by having sex in/as the mind), there is also a short period that I like it but than it's more silent and the body is more sensitive.

This cycle is driving me crazy. Before it was linked to a desire of wanting children. Within 10 years I walked this through. At the moment it's coming up as a desire 'to practise physical sex'. Which is giving more pressure to this period, especially during ovulation. Because I do not experience resistance in that time I want to have sex. So during that time the partner must be here, must not behave very irresponsable so I will experience resistance anyway which blocks my desire for sex; I must not have pain in the intestine. Well really unconditional isn't it? I as the mind am terrorising the whole situation. It feels like I must have sex than, and if not, than I feel deep disappointment. And during this time I am wondering at the same time, this can not be physical sex if it's so activated by the hormonal cycle, which as far as I know is directly related to the mind. And because I am scared to become dependent on this sex, I am creating trouble here between me and partner, as some kind of protection against my own strong desire to have sex anyway, whatever is going on here. Or am I sabotaging a chance to be intimate with myself in sexual contact with another person? What I can see is that I am trying to walk through the resistance I experience against the partner (which menas against myself not standing alone) by having sex. I still want him to fulfil me with this, so I feel fulfilled for a while.
The disappointment I experience is the disappointment of letting go the relationships in/as/of the mind. Which this hormonal-based sex is part of. Lucky for myself is that I cannot force myself to have sex if I do not want it 100%. I practised this in the past, and if I stay with that principle I am no longer forcing myself into sex, also not if the desire is very strong. But I create frustration inside myself; I attack myself with thoughts like "why is there resistance at this moment, why am I terrorising this situation and I still cannot have sex", etc., which something meas as "why is can this not be the perfect moment to fulfil me as the desire for sex, so that I feel satisfied with myself for a while?"

Within this I can say, I do not know what it is to have physical sex. I do not know how I can have physical sex when the partner is not practising to be in breath by himself. I do not know how I can walk through this resistance if this is the resistance, that the partner is not applying s.f and breath. Which is still dependent on the partner. So I can apply s.f and practise being in breath.
And why am I feeling so desperate in this? This means that I am dependent on the mind, on having sex as the mind, on feeling alive by having sex as the mind. I cannot allow myself to follow this anymore; I feel really ashamed about this and it frustrates the whole situation.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed about following my own dependency on the mind who needs sex to feel alive, especially during ovulation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I must have sex during the period around ovulation because my whole body feels like having sex during this period.
I forgive myself that I do not have allowed and accepted myself to have sex during this period because I do not trust it as it must come forward out of a desire in/as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be scared for the attack afterwards that is coming after sex which is practised in/as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make myself dependent on the mind by believing that I can only have sex easily during the period around ovulation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that sex needs to be easily.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that sex is ment for joy.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to terrorise myself and the partner around ovulation to have sex in the moment that I am ready for it immediately.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to have sex NOW.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can ask a partner to have sex NOW, instead of seeing that this is manipulation of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I must create this NOW during the period around ovulation, that this creating is 'taking care of myself', taking care as 'coming up for myself', instead of seeing that the desire for having sex NOW is a desire to have sex in/as the mind, which is not being Here, having sex together here when both partners are here, comfortable with self and eachother which gives an opportunity to share/express ourselves unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to only be able to have sex when I feel comfortable, instead of seeing that I can also share myself when I feel uncomfortable, just as I am in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that taking care for myself means trying to get what I want in/as the mind, which give always feelings of disappointment because I am never Here at the right time at the right moment, means NOW, instead of seeing that this taking care of myself as the mind is not best for all as Life but coming forward out of self-interest which makes me feel dissatisfied.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create dissatisfaction inside myself by believing that taking care of myself means trying to get what I want in/as the mind, which I am very raraly able to, and thus I feel dissatisfied.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to always search for the Now as the perfect moment to fulfil myself with this moment, means to fulfil myself with/as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to only want sex if I am able to have an orgasm easily.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel disappointed if I want an orgasm but I do not have (perfectly) it during sex.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to have sex to experience an orgasm.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not know what it is to have sex without focussing on an orgasm.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience resistance, which is coming forward out of fear, to have sex without focussing on the orgasm with the partner.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience fear to have sex without focussing on an orgasm with the partner, because I do not know what to do than.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience resistance out of fear against being with the partner physically.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience resistance against being with the partner physically as myself thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience resistance against being with myself physically.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience resistance to embrace the partner as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to use the partner for experiencing an orgasm to veil the resistance that I experience inside myself against being here in the physical with him as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be angry at the partner for not being here at the moment I want sex while on other times he is always here until I become grazy of him being around.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I miss something when I do not have sex during ovulation, instead of seeing that the mind is turning this around; I want sex during ovulation to feel alive because I miss myself as life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience an enormous emotion of disappointment when this desire for sex is not fulfilled during ovulation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to only know how to express myself during sex with the partner and thus I make myself dependent on the partner for expressing myself, and when there is no opportunity to be together with the partner during ovulation I experience this emotion of disappoinment, of being totally screwed.

There it is. Being screwed, and for not wanting to experience being screwed in/as/by the mind, I want to screw, to keep myself satisfied.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to seperate myself from the experience of being screwed by the mind, and for this I am creating an experience of being screwed as having sex.

When and as I see myself participating in the terrorising in/as the mind for longing for sex during ovulation I stop, I breathe. I put my two hands together to bring myself Here in the physical.
I realize that the hormonal cycle is directly connected to the mind to keep the human being enslaved in/as the mind with the desire for sex, all or not ment for reproduction. Following this hormonal desire is keeping me enslaved to the mind, in which I will never be able to be constant as self as life, and thus in which I will never be able to have sex as the physical while being Here.
I embrace myself and forgive myself the allowing of missing myself, spoken in the words that are coming up in that moment. That's enough for the moment, as I am still in the mind and in the mind I cannot see as self as life.

Leon Perry:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself 'separate' from the illusion of desire, and thus 'desire' to exercise the illusion of 'desire' through/within particular specific experiences that I have defined myself as.

2012 - Fear disguised as disgust - blog 4/fear

The word disguised is already written very close at disgust, and so is to discuss.
I experience a lot of disgust. I will take a small example to write out.
I experience disgust when m is walking as a zombie downstairs after waking up out of bed. I experience disgust against the heavyness of thoughts that I experience around him, especially during that hour. I believe that this are his thoughts, but it is my experience so it must be my thoughts that are activated by him being around. It are my reactions at him being around that I experience disgust against. So it is myself that I experience disgust against.
What thought is coming up?
I loathe him.
ok I cannot even write further here. I feel so ashamed about this; about projecting this horrible thought (as I experience it) on another person. I write it out to take it all back to self.

Thought:
I loathe him walking around like a zombie.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think "I loathe him walking around like a zombie".

Trigger-point:
m walking around in the house in morning like a zombie.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect m walking around in the house in morning like a zombie to the thought "I loathe him walking around in the house like a zombie".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist m walking around in the house in morning like a zombie as a trigger-point within me, which triggers the thought "I loathe him walking around like a zombie.

Type of thought:
Fear disguised as disgust

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to loathe/experience disgust out of fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist fear disguised as disgust within me.

Other components:
Emotion:
Despair

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the thought "I loathe him walking around like a zombie" to an emotional experience of despair.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in an emotional experience of despair.

Why do I connect the thought 'I loathe him walking around like a zombie" to an emotional experience of despair?
I believe that I am stuck in this situation forever. Which means that I am stuck in the mind forever, always connected to a person I experience disgust at. Which must be myself, projected on the person I live in the house with. It started in the house as a little kid, and I recreated it so I live in it at the moment. The despair is that I am never able to live the life I want because I have to take care for m (in past for mam, so also m) forever. And within this I am not able to take care for myself, and I use the care-taking for the other as an excuse to not have to take care of myself means to not stand alone and live the life I want.
Here happens something interesting, in this 'the life I want'. If I write 'as what is best for all' behind it, I see that I am living in the situation that is best for all at the moment. As I do not write this behind it, I experience immediately dissatisfaction inside myself. So 'the life I want' means the life I want out of self-interest. And what is this life in self-interest connected to or even similar at? Sex! Life with the perfect sex-partner, to make me feel alive without me needing to do anything for it.
I see now that I loathe myself for not willing to take care of others as myself, for myself as others. I see for years and years what is going on and I refuse to speak up as what is best for all. Instead of this I created an experience of disgust against everything and everyone that I see who is not taking responsability as self, but (!) I fear to speak up. This experience of disgust is coming in between, it is diverting my attention so I won't look further inside myself, bringing it back to self. Instead of this I turn away my head to the right, boom looking into the system. Locked up in the mind. Walking around like a zombie.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience despair because I believe that I am stuck in this situation forever, living in a house with a person that I experience dusgust at, so I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience despair out of fear to be stuck in my own experience of disgust so in the mind forever.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I will be stuck in this situation of experiencing disgust against another person and myself forever.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not take care for myself and others as myself by believing that the experience of disgust is real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to turn away my head to the right, looking in the system when I experience disgust, instead of speaking up as self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create an experience of disgust against myself because I am not speaking up as self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to project this experience of disgust against myself, coming forward out of not speaking up as self, to others.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the disgust I experience is real, and for this I do not allow myself to look further inside myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the disgust is real, and for this I do not allow myself to speak up as self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not give myself the chance to bring the disgust back to self where I can transend as self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to seperate myself from the experience of disgust.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to seperate myself from the experience of despair.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience dissatisfaction because I believe that I want to live another life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to live another life in self-interest, and for this I create an experience of dissatisfaction which keeps me prison in the mind, which enlarge or even cerate the experience that i want to live another life (in self-interest).
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not believe that I am able to stand up in this situation and direct myself as self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to walk around like a zombie.

Type of fear:
Fear of lost and within this fear of death

And this is what I fear: that people turn away their head from me, experiencing disgust when I speak as self, disgust by seeing what is real as themselves and projecting this on me. Looking in the system as the truth because 'everybody else is doing this'. Being spit on, rejected, cast out, banned. To be left alone.
And within this fear of death because I did not learn what it is to stand alone, without having relations (SEX!) to be alive.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear to be spit on, rejected, cast out, banned.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect to be spit on, rejected, cast out, banned to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear that people turn away their head and experience disgust when I speak as self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect people turning away their head, experiencing disgust when I speak as self to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear death because I didnot learn what it is to stand alone as self without having relations/sex.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect to stand alone without having relations/sex to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.

I don't want to breathe/speak myself alive, I want to be fucked alive and doing nothing; sex as breath, as I already wrote before.

The ultimate laziness and denial. That's why I slept so much, and still am struggling with the sleeping.
Something happened that I seperated myself from, so I fell apart, and within this people were able to 'take apart of me' (as the mind); because I believed them, I gave away a part of me; every time I believed them or pretending that I believed them. Pretending is living in/as the mind to protect the mind.
What do I fear when I experience disgust to another person walking like a zombie in the house?
To be left alone? To see myself? I cannot see in this.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see how fear is disguised as disgust to another person walking like a zombie in the house.

Corrective statements:
When and as I see myself participating in an experience of disgust I stop, I breathe. I put my two hands together to bring myself Here in the physical.
I realize that I experience disgust because I am not yet standing as self but connected to another person in/as the mind. This has nothing to do with the other person, the other person is only reflecting to me what I seperated myself from.
When and as I see myself participating in an experience of despair I stop, I breathe. I put my two hands together to bring myself Here in the physical.
I realize thet I experience despair because I still believe that I am stuck in the mind forever, which means that I believe the lies of my own mind which is bringing forward an experience of despair, not able to change myself in the situation I live in.
When and as I see myself participating in an experience of dissatisfaction I stop, I breathe. I put my two hands together to bring myself Here in the physical.
I realize that I experience dissatisfaction because I donot believe that I am able to change myself in this situation/life I live in, and thus I want another life instead of changing myself in this situation by making myself one and equal as the situation by applying s.f.. This makes me able to stand up in this situation equal as me and change the situation as myself.

I breathe. Within this breath I see what I have to apply in this breath/moment. This is the only thing I can work with, with the point that is Here in this moment. Everything else that I am busy with is in/as the mind, which will give me experiences of dissatisfaction, despair and disgust because I am not able to change things in/as the mind in which I am seperated of myself as life.

Word:
Disgust

Defenition:
afkeer, misselijkheid / to turn away, nausea
misselijkheid: miss a lijk/like heid.
dislike

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Origin:

1590–1600; (v.) < Middle French desgouster, equivalent to des- dis-1 + gouster to taste, relish, derivative of goust taste < Latin gusta ( see choose); (noun) < Middle French desgoust, derivative of the v.

choose   /tʃuz/ Show Spelled [chooz] Show IPA verb, chose; cho·sen or ( Obsolete ) chose; choos·ing.  

verb (used with object)
1. to select from a number of possibilities; pick by preference: She chose Sunday for her departure.
2. to prefer or decide (to do something): He chose to run for election.
3. to want; desire.
4. (especially in children's games) to contend with (an opponent) to decide, as by odd or even, who will do something: I'll choose you to see who gets to bat first.
 
Origin:

before 1000; Middle English chosen, chēsen, Old English cēosan; cognate with Gothic kiusan, Old High German kiosan ( German kiesen ); akin to Greek geúesthai to enjoy, Latin gustāre to taste ( see gusto)

Can be confused:   discussed, disgust .
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To disgust of the discussions in/as the mind.

So disgust leads to choose, to taste, taste is related to nausea. Nausea is coming forward out of missing self, searching for likeness as me, for oneness and equality. To choose gives always seperation (which gives discussion). To choose between myself and the other, because I believe that me and the other are not one and equal. Here self-interest is coming in. I choose for myself because I want to taste, to enjoy. To place my self(interest) above the other/what is best for all. Which gives an experience of disgust/nausea/misselijkheid. I choose and I choose 'wrong', so I feel quilty. In choosing I will always choose wrong because to choose is in/as the mind in polarity, so I do not want to choose anymore so I turn away my head (looking to the right in the system, so I am in polarity anyway, within this I choose already, I loose already myself, I loose myself in choice and I cannot choose, so I paralyze, doing nothing).

Positive charge and negative charge polarity:
I valued it with a negative charge in it's totality, and for this I did not dare to see in it for a long time, and when I experience it in the moment I have a tendency to immediately walk/look away from it.
The new defenition gives another value which will support to see into the disgust veiling the fear.

New defenition:
The experience of the seperation inside from self as others as life.

2012 - To fear being innocent - blog 3/fear

The only thing that I was really sure of, is that I would never be together with a man that I am not 100% sure of that I want to be with. And what did I do? I live in a house with a man that I am not sure of that I want to live with.
I still believe I love another man from time till time. Or it's more, I blame myself that I did not dare to wait to see if we are able to live together in a certain way or not. I did not dare to wait until he was ready to walk to me and speak to me. I was too scared that I would 'fall' again for him and that he would walk away again, or that he would not come to me at all. Instead of this, I started to walk with another man, and I used him as kind of protection against the other man. "I am save". And I wanted the other man to come to me anyway, also if I was not alone anymore; which of course he did not do. I wanted to kind of test him; if he really wants to see me he can come to me anyway, if I am living alone or not. This is not how it works, tests are not really alive, only the mind tests.

I still don't know if this is real or not. If I was waiting for an illusion. The point is, I did not dare to wait to see into the situation to see if it is an illusion or not. I was not 'strong' enough, means I was not standing alone. And I knew from the beginning, I can only meet him again if I stand alone. Okay, than I first have to walk the process to stand alone; and that's not done in a year. And for walking the process to stand alone, I am living with another man. I hate myself for this and I do not know if I can forgive myself this.

I stop making excuses that the other man would not have come to me, that this man is 'better for me' etc, as I know it's not about them. It's about me and the choices that I made out of fear. Because I was not standing alone, I did not have patience to be alone until I see what way the situation with the one man is going to until I start walking with another man. And so I started walking with another man out of fear, I putted that man some kind of between me and the other man to protect myself against my own fear to stand alone. So the starting-point was fear. In every moment that I wanted to end this walking with him I looked very carefully inside myself and into the situation what is best for all, and every time I came to the conclusion that I must not stop this walking together as this would not be best for all. So I walk on. Still this point is coming back in another layer. Before I was busy all day with the question what I must choose to do, and afterwards I am busy with searching in the mind if I made the right choice or not. It's the same point, keeping me busy/enslaved in/to the mind.

Thought:
I hate myself for the fact that I am not yet able to stand alone and I do not know if I can forgive myself this.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think "I hate myself for the fact that I am not yet able to stand alone and I do not know if I can forgive myself this".

Trigger-point:
Behaviour without self-responsibility of the man I live with.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the behaviour without self-responsibility of the man I live with to the thought "I hate myself for the fact that I am not yet able to stand alone and I do not know if I can forgive myself this". 
 
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let the behaviour without self-responsibility of the man I live with exist as a trigger-point within me, which triggers the thought "I hate myself for the fact that I am not yet able to stand alone and I do not know if I can forgive myself this".

Type of thought:
Aversion (as a seperation of the fear to stand alone)

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience aversion (as a seperation of the fear to stand alone) inside me against myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist aversion (as a seperation of the fear to stand alone) against myself inside me.

Other components:
Emotion:
Disgust; which is always coming forward out of fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the thought "I hate myself for the fact that I am not yet able to stand alone and I do not know if I can forgive myself this" to an emotional experience of disgust.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in an emotional experience of disgust.

Why do I connect the emotion of disgust to the thought "I hate myself for the fact that I am not yet able to stand alone and I do not know if I can forgive myself this"?
I hate myself for not being able to stand alone in self-trust, one and equal as the words I speak, independent from a man to live with or without and thus not able to be with a man who is taking full responsibility for himself.
I see now that I want to jump immediately to the finish, where I stand alone. In my mind I am at the finish already for years but I did not walk this in reality. And so I am frustrated in/as the mind that I am not able to be 'there' as where I think I must be (which is not being here).
I translate this being able to be with a man who is taking full responsibility for himself as being able to wait forever for a man who is not yet taking full responsibility for himself, which keeps me waiting in/as the mind, not walking a process to stand alone in self-trust.
Within this I still want a relationship so the man must take as much self-responsibility as I, to be able to stay in an 'equal' relationship.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hate myself for not being able to stand alone in self-trust, one and equal as the words I speak, independent from a man to live with or without and thus able to be with a man who is taking full responsibility for himself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can immediately jump to the finish, where I stand alone without willing to walk this process in reality to stand alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be frustrated in/as the mind that I am not able to be 'there' as where I think I must be, instead of seeing that wanting to be there is not being here in breath.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to translate this being able to be with a man who is taking full responsibility for himself as being able to wait forever for a man who is not yet taking full responsibility for himself, which keeps me waiting in/as the mind, not walking a process to stand alone in self-trust but waiting in the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to still want a relationship where the man must take as much self-responsibility as I to be able to stay in an 'equal' relationship.

I want the man to forgive me that I did not wait for him. Which is the same as asking God for forgiveness, asking 'the One' to forgive me because I think I am not able to forgive myself.
So I fear that I am not able to forgive myself and for that I have to live in hell/mind till eternity.

This is not a cool blog, I am so very hard on myself. I punish myself with this thinking.
Yesterday I saw why I 'miss' that specific man so very much. As a child, I closed the anus as being innocent, with the consequence that I had to open the vagina to be able to live. I moved from the innocence to the pubic-area, in dutch called 'schaam-streek ('shame-area'). Via the vagina I am able to experience (a substitute for) life.
The man that I 'miss' gave me the chance to share myself unconditionally via the vagina. In the sexual contact he was here without wanting anything from me, without making abuse in some kind of way. He was here unconditionally and I could express myself unconditionally.
This made me dependent; it was via the vagina so I was not standing alone. I only could express myself unconditionally with him. I knew I should be able to express myself independent from him, but because I closed the anus so I do not live in innocence, I am not yet able to. So I want something from him; I wanted him to stay so I could be in innocence with him. He could not stay in this, as he was abused himself in a way. We stumbled at the same point in polarity. So he walked away. I knew I had to find this within myself, but I did not see that I was so 'far away' from being innocent. I saw in him that he needed a process for years; I was seeing myself. I see that I have no idea what it is to be innocent as self and I need a process for years to become innocent as myself.

I miss the man because I separated myself from the experience of being innocent in/as myself, being one and equal as myself, which I experienced in/as the mind via the vagina for a moment with that man. So I miss myself being innocent as self.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame myself for not being innocent as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not know what being innocent as myself is.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed about myself needing the vagina to feel alive, and with needing the vagina to feel alive, to express myself, I make myself dependent on the man.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed for living with the man in the house that I am not 100% sure of that I want to live with.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I only can live in the house with a man that I am 100% sure of that I want to live with.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame myself that I live in the house with a man that I am not 100% sure of that I want to live with.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed that I live with the man because I am not yet able to stand alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed that I live with the man in the house to be able to express myself via the vagina as being alive.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed that I need a man to feel safe to express myself via the vagina.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to trap myself in living in the house with a man that I like to express myself with via the vagina, without seeing that I am not longer able to express myself via the vagina without standing equal and one as myself, and thus I am trapped in a situation where I have to become equal and one as myself if I want to share myself equal and one as self in sex in breath.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed that I express myself in the house but not outside the house.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed that I live in the pubic-area/schaam-streek, as living in the pubic-area is like living in the pub(l)ic-area, and for that I do not experience being save in/as myself, as I do not know what it is to live in innocence as myself, which is the only 'place' that I am really safe in/as.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to take all the blame on my shoulders for the situation where I did not wait for the man that walked away, instead of seeing that he created the situation himself too by walking away without speaking to me in which I gave so many opportunities to start speaking to me: in fact he has the opportunity to speak to me in any moment he wants to, so I stop blaming myself and start forgiving myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that he would speak to me if I lived alone at the moment, instead of seeing that I do not know if he would speak to me anyway.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to punish myself with the thinking that I should have waited for the man, instead of seeing that waiting is not self-honest, and living as self without waiting was not possible as I was/am not yet able to live in innocence as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate myself from missing myself as life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate myself from myself as life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel guilty and ashamed.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate myself from feeling ashamed.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate myself from feeling guilty.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel guilty and ashamed about the situation that I live in that I created myself, so I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel guilty and ashamed about myself being who I am/was in the past, and with feeling guilty and ashamed of who I am/was, I keep myself prison in blame and shame in the mind, unable to change myself into me being self-responsible.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to keep myself prison in the mind by blaming myself for and feeling ashamed about me in the past which makes me unable to change.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make myself unable to change.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become dependent on a man that has to be 'perfect fitting' for me because I am only able to express myself if I 'feel save' in/as the vagina, and the vagina needs someone to share with via the vagina, so the vagina needs a perfect fit as a penis.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make myself dependent on the vagina.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make myself dependent on shame by being dependent on the vagina.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame myself for not being able to stand alone, instead of seeing that I am moved to the pubic-area since I was a little child, from where it is impossible to stand alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to move to the pubic-area where it is impossible to stand alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not want to stop blaming myself for moving to the pubic-area.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to like it in a way in the pubic-area.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be afraid to stop living in the pubic-area as this is the only way I know as living, and if I stop living in the pubic-area I do not know how to live anymore.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not know how to live if I stop living in the pubic-area.

Type of fear:
Fear of death.
I fear being innocent as I believe that I die in being innocent; that I got stifled in being innocent.
Something like this has happened somewhere.
It's an experience where I feel so betrayed in one moment that I paralyzed in surprise without being able to speak a word.
This is as far as I can see at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear being innocent.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect being innocent to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear to got stifled when being innocent.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect to got stifled when being innocent, and for this I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not be able to see further than this at the moment.

Corrective statements:
When and as I see myself participating in blaming myself for not standing alone I stop, I breathe. I put my two hands together to bring myself Here in the physical.
I realize that I am not yet able to stand alone because I am still living in/as the mind in the pub(l)ic-area. I am walking a process to stop this living in/as the mind in the pubic-area, and this process is taking time.
I realize that I made a 'choice' to walk the process to become one and equal as life as breathe, and this is the reason that I feel trapped, there is no escape possible and I as the mind does not like this. I can give myself time by walking one point at the time, without seeing in future what still has to be done. This is making the process more gentle for myself.
I do not allow myself to blame myself for living in the pubic-area, as this blaming is keeping me enslaved in the mind so still enslaved to the pubic-area.
I stop, I breathe. I simply walk through the blame and shame breath by breath, self-forgiveness by self-forgiveness. Within this walking breath by breath I breathe myself alive, and so I do not have to know how to live as by walking self-forgiveness I become alive as self-expression as I am Innocent.

Word:
(being) Innocent 
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Definition:
Innocent - guiltless (onschuldig); harmless (onschadelijk); as innocent as a lamb (onschuldig als een pasgeboren kind); silly/simple (dom)

Origin:
1340, "doing no evil, free from sin or guilt," from O.Fr. innocent (11c.), from L. innocentem (nom. innocens) "not guilty, harmless, blameless," from in- "not" + nocentem (nom. nocens), prp. of nocere "to harm" (see noxious). Meaning "free from guilt of a crime or charge
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(see blog 2/fear -ātus)

I no sent - ik heb geen cent
I no sense - ik heb geen bedoeling, unconditionally; geen manipulatie of bijbedoelingen

I believe that another person can 'take a part' of me by wanting to share with me under conditions. This is what I experienced as a child and that's what partners often do, sharing under conditions. By believing that another person can take part of me I started to hide my innocence by going away in the mind. In the mind I am unable to share myself unconditionally, so I can only do the same, sharing under conditions. Trapped in the mind, in my own nightmare of sharing under conditions. Within this there is always someone 'guilty'; guilty as it is under conditions so not best for all life. I made a pact with the devil, a pact with the mind. And I do not exactly see how and why I did this.

Positive charge and negative charge polarity:
Mainly valued with a positive charge as seeing being innocent as being pure as life.
As seen within this blog I actually do not know what it is to be innocent as life, I only know what its is to live being innocent as 'doing nothing', which I value with a negative cgarge.

New defenition:
To express oneself unconditionally in every moment in every breath as new life, being aware as self in self-responsibility as Life itself.

2012 - Fear to speak as equality - blog 2/fear

An old friend called me, his message was on the voicemail.
I like to speak to him, and at the same time a fear is coming up.
He will ask what I am 'busy with' at the moment.
And what do I fear?
To speak about my participation within Desteni.
I notice this many times inside myself; I fear speaking about (!) myself standing up in equality as what's best for all.
Isn't that something? It's best for all and equality for all, also for the person I speak with. It's the best I can stand for/as, as it is all there is. And I fear it! Actually it's what I fear most, it's coming back in every situation that I experience fear in.
Let's see what is in here.

Thought:
I like to speak to him but than I have to tell him about desteni.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think "I like to speak to him but than I have to tell him about desteni".

Trigger Point:

An old friend calling me, leaving a message on the voicemail.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect an old friend calling me, leaving a message on the voicemail to the thought "I like to speak to him but than I have to tell him about desteni.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let an old friend calling me, leaving a message on the voicemail, exist as a triggerpoint within me, which triggers the thought "I like to speak to him but than I have to tell him about desteni.

Type of thought:
Fear

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear to speak to an old friend and tell him about desteni.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist fear to speak to an old friend and tell him about desteni inside me.

Other components:
Emotion:
Fear, which gives hesitation

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the thought "I like to speak to him but than I have to tell him about desteni" to an emotional experience of fear which gives hesitation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in an emotional experience of fear which gives hesitation.

Why do I connect an emotion of fear to the thought "I like to speak to him but than I have to tell him about desteni"?
This thought already has fear in it after the 'but', which gives a hesitation to speak out of fear.
I experience an emotion of fear because I don't know how to speak about my participation within desteni. As seen in the thought I seperate myself from my participation within desteni as I wright 'to tell him about desteni'. I think I have to tell him about something that is best for all, instead of speaking as myself as one and equal as what is best for all. So when I tell him, we start 'talking about' a subject or something, in which I let an open door to attack and defense this subject as it is an opinion seperate from me and from him.
I think that I have to speak about everything that desteni is standing for/as, instead of just taking one point to speak about as a point that I can already stand in as myself, and within this I do not speak about this point or about desteni but I speak as myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I don't know how to speak about my participation within desteni.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to speak about desteni as what is best for all, instead of speaking as myself as one as equal as what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to speak about everything that desteni is standing for/as, instead of just taking one point to speak about as a point that I can already stand in as myself, and within this I do not speak about this point or about desteni but I speak as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let an open door to attack and defense what is best for all as a subject as it is an opinion separate from me and the other person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate myself from what is best for all as it is an opinion from myself or another person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hide behind the mind by making 'what is best for all' an opinion which can be attacked and defensed in/as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to give the other person a backdoor to walk out what is best for all by pretending what is best for all as an opinion, as 'free choice' to participate in or not, and within this I protect myself against eventual attacks from the other person who is maybe 'flipping out' when noticing that there is no back door and projecting this on me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear that the other person is attacking me when noticing that there is no backdoor to walk out what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear death by the other person who is eventually attacking me when noticing that there is no backdoor to walk out what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear lost, lost of the other person when the other person notice that there is no back door to walk out what is best for all while talking to me, so the only 'back door' left is to leave me, to walk away from me,
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear death when a person is leaving me and by trying to prevent this I leave myself by going into the mind by speaking in/as the mind, in which I am not alive as self and thus I am death.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that everybody is leaving me when I speak about what is best for all without leaving a backdoor in/as the mind, instead of seeing that by leaving a backdoor in/as the mind, I myself keep myself in/as the mind as I am speaking in/as the mind instead of speaking as self as what is best for all, and with doing this I leave myself as self, which the outside world will reflect on me by leaving me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate myself from what is best for all as myself as the other as self by speaking about what is best for all as an opinion of the mind, and with doing this I separate myself from self as Life as Breath.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I as self can be attacked, instead of seeing that only I as the mind can be attacked by the mind, and with speaking in/as the mind I keep myself in/as the mind which gives the opportunity to be attacked in as the mind by the mind. 
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that this attack in/as the mind is real, and by believing that this is real, I created this attack as real, which affirms my believe that it's real.

Type of fear:
Fear of death; fear of loss, and within this again fear of death.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear death by the other person who is eventual attacking me when noticing that there is no backdoor to walk out what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the other person who is eventual
attacking me when noticing that there is no backdoor to walk out what is best for all to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear lost, lost of the other person when the other person notice that there is no back door to walk out what is best for all while talking to me, so the only 'back door' left is to leave me, to walk away from me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect loosing the other person when the other person notice that there is no backdoor to walk out what is best for all while talking to me, so the only 'back door' left is to leave me to walk away from me to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear death when a person is leaving me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect a person leaving me to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear to speak as myself, because I fear to speak words that are not real, so I fear to be 'wrong' again, as nothing or very little that I have seen and said has been real before.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect to speak words that are not real to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear to be wrong again, which contains that I am already wrong as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect to be wrong again, as nothing or very little that I have seen and said has been real before to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am already wrong as myself instead of seeing that nothing/very little was real because everything spoken was in/as the mind, and for that it was not real, which I translated as being wrong.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be completely paralyzed by the convince of other people who believe that what they speak in/as the mind is real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe the words of other people who are convinced of the words of their mind and for that starting to doubt myself, instead of seeing that hardly anybody is speaking as self yet and that the convince of the mind is turning around the real words as self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear the turning around in/as the mind of the words spoken as self to protect the existence of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the turning in/as the mind of the words spoken as self to protect the existence of the mind to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I as self can be attacked, instead of seeing that only I as the mind can be attacked by I as the mind, so as long as I speak as the mind as polarity I will be attacked by the other side of the polarity which I create with speaking words in polarity in/as the mind; only when I speak one and equal as Self there is no attack possible as it is already one without polarity.

Corrective statement:
When and as I see myself participating in the tendency to speak about desteni as what is best for all seperated from myself I stop, I breathe. I put my two hands together to bring myself Here in the physical.
I realize that another person can not leave me, I can only leave myself by speaking about things seperate from me in/as the mind, by speaking out of fear which is in/as the mind so seperated from me as self as Life.
I realize that within speaking in seperation from myself, I leave an open door as back door for the other person and for myself to attack and defend that what is best for all as an opinion in/as the mind; within this I create myself that what I fear, that the other person will attack me as the mind by speaking about what is best for all.
I do not allow myself to create my own fear by leaving a backdoor to attack and defend that what is best for all as an opinion in/as the mind.
I do not allow myself to create another polarity to attack and defend by speaking in/as the mind.
I stop, I breathe in, I hold on 4 counts, standing one and equal as myself as who I am in this moment. Within this I see what words are coming up as myself that I can speak and stand in as myself.

Feeling:
Happiness

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the thought "I like to speak to him but than I have to tell him about desteni" to a feeling of happiness.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in a feeling of happiness.

Why do I connect a feeling of happiness to the thought "I like to speak to him but than I have to tell him about desteni"?
I feel happy by the thought that I will speak to the old friend, as in the past I had a 'special' connection to him so he makes me feel happy as special in/as the mind.
Within this I experience fear to loose him as a person who I have a special connection with, I fear loosing a relation in/as the mind, and within this I fear death when the relations in/as the mind stops to exist.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel happy by the thought that I will speak to the old friend because in the past I had a special connection to him so he makes me feel happy as special in/as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear loosing an old friend as a person who I have a special connection with and within this I fear loosing a relation in/as the mind which is fearing death when relations in/as the mind stop to exist.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear death when relationships in/as the mind stop to exist
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect loosing an old friend who I have a special relation with to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect loosing a relation in/as the mind which is fear of death when relations in as the mind stop to exist to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the stop of relationships in/as the mind to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.

Corrective statement:
When and as I see myself participating in a feeling of happiness connected to the thought "I like to speak to him but than I have to tell him about desteni" I stop, I breathe. I put my two hands together to bring myself Here in the physical.
I realize that I feel happy because in the past I had a special relationship with him in as the mind that made me feel happy.
I do not allow myself to participate in a feeling of happiness connected to the thought "I like to speak to him but than I have to tell him about desteni".
I do not allow myself to participate in a feeling of happiness generated through relationships in/as the mind.
I do not allow myself to participate in relationships in/as the mind.
I do not need relationships in/as the mind as they will keep me enslaved to the mind, and being enslaved to the mind I am not able to become alive as self.
I stop, I breathe. In breath I exist one and equal as self without any need for relationships.

Word:
Participation

I experience some resistance to participate in communication with other people as I connected this somewhere to a relation to the other person. Or the other 'wants' something from me, or I want something from the other person. I do not want to share myself because I fear to disappear while sharing as I did not learn to share as myself, only as the mind, so sharing is connected to disappearing in the mind.
I see now that this participating is participating in the rules of society which are the rules of the mind, which are always unequal. So actually I resist participation in inequality.

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Defenition:

Share in, take part in

Origin:
1525–35; < Latin participātus  (past participle of participāre  to share), equivalent to particip-  (stem of particeps ) taking part, partner ( see participle) + -ātus  -ate1 
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Taking part - Partner;
Part, being part of, taking part. Is not standing as self but part of something which is also not standing as self.

-ātus
This I associate immediately with anus and I feel it also in my anus, getting emotional as in participating there has been taken place abuse, abuse of the innocence. So I stopped participating, I stopped sharing myself as a way to try to protect myself against abuse of innocence. Abuse as 'taking part' of me and me believing that I have to participate in this. Pain in the anus.
Today I saw how innocence, being 'innocent' is used/abused to not see into self, to not take responsibility as self. With not taking responsibility one is 'doing nothing', and with doing nothing you have to take part of something/someone outside yourself to participate in (a substitute of) life. This doing nothing is used as 'ínnocence'; "I did not do anything, I am innocent". So I concluded that the blame was on me, as the other person is innocent. So I am 'not innocent', I am 'quilty'.
In this I do not trust innocence anymore as it is connected to 'doing nothing', not taking responsibility as self but taking part of something outside self.
So I do not trust innocent as self as life, and within this I place myself as mind above myself; I only trust myself as mind. I am taking part of something outside myself as mind to try to complete myself or to try to make myself alive, which is not possible.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that someone can take part of me to make themselves alive, instead of seeing that only the mind can take part of something outside to relate to, to complete self as mind, and only I can allow and accept myself as mind to 'let take part of me' by participating in/as the mind in relationships.
Actually I do not know what innocence as Life is, except that I can see it in animals.

Positive charge and negative charge polarity:
I value participating with a negative charge coming forward out of fear out of believe that other people are able to take a part of me and for this I have a tendency to hold back in participation.

New Defenition:
To share myself as life unconditionally as who I am in any moment. 

Skating

There is ice in Holland, as some may know :-).
I was skating today. Every year that there is ice I skate more or less from that I was a kid.
I never was able to skate with my hands on my back, as I could not find a balance than, and every year I try this with some difficulties. Trying to go deeper in the legs to find balance for example.
I was skating behind an older man who was skating very easy with his hands on his back, not deep in the legs at all. Ok it wasn't the legs.
I tried again, and suddenly I found the balance, in the breast! Before I was going out of the breast all the time, trying to find balance in legs, in pelvic, etc. This moment I kept myself in the breast area where I also keep breathing, and I became quiet and balanced with my eyes in front of me instead of looking down to see if there are any cracks in the ice where I can fall by. And I kept skating with my hands on the back, sometimes slow, sometimes fast, sometimes refinding balance, sometimes stopping, and still with hands on the back. And in silence in the breast. Not getting tired at all. Which was/is cool.

2012 - The year of the soulmate

Let's have a look at the word soulmate.
We start with soul.
What is this, the soul?
The soul is a system placed into the human body where all the information of the mind of all the past lives is stored. The information of the mind, means all the memories existing as thoughts, feelings and emotions, had to be stored somewhere. The information is too large to exist in/as the mind as the mind-system, the system would collapse. So they designed a construct for all this information of all the lives each person lived.
So, the soul is an information-depot (which isn't even existing anymore as it is removed from the dimensions); it only still exists inside human beings by/through believing that it is real; until we as ourselves stop it to exist.

We go on with mate.
Mate as friend. What is this, a friend? A friend as we know it in/as the mind is someone who is affirming and supporting ourselves as a mind-system. When we live as self, we do not need friends. We are equal and one as ourselves as life as others, so we do not need a 'special' person to be friends with; we do not to feel safe in and as the mind so we don't need to be affirmed in/as the mind by a special person called friend because we are all equal and one as Life.

Let's put the words together, soul-mate.
A friend of the soul/as the soul. Friend is in/as the mind, soul is the restore of information in/as the mind. soulmate is affirming the restored information of all lives in/as the mind by a special person in/as the mind.

Why do we want to find a soulmate?  
To experience the ultimate affirmation in/as the mind. Why do we want to be affirmed in/as the mind? Because we are not affirmed in/as self. We did not establish, vestigen, us as ourselves as life, and thus we need someone special outside us to affirm, be-vestigen, ourselves in/as the mind. This affirming, bevestigen, gives a feeling of being alive, as being one, as being equal with at least one person, as a substitute of the missing of the establishment of ourselves as Life as Self.

What is the role of the soulmate?
Actually to make us feel safe in a world that is really unsafe at the moment, because we do not see the equality in ourselves as life as the others. We think we are all different, and we judge everything that we think that is different. But different means that the thing that we see as different is something that we separated ourselves from, and because of all this separations inside ourselves, we are not one and equal as ourselves as life as others as life. So we need another person, a soulmate, to make us to feel one and equal in/as the mind, which is not real as life as self but a substitute of living as life as self.

Well as we all know the chance to find a soulmate as the ultimate missing link 'to make you whole' is very little; and when you are 'the lucky one' who finds a person that you define as a soulmate as the ultimate missing link, you immediately will find out that the other person can not fill the missing inside yourself, the other person is only showing you where you have separated yourself from yourself. And there is only one person who can stop this separation inside yourself: YOU!

Is it relevant to wait for this missing link?
If we look at the deconstruction of the word soulmate, than what are you waiting for by waiting for a missing link? For a restore of information who will make you affirmed in/as the mind, to find out that all that you are missing is yourself? Isn't this a trick of the mind to keep you busy searching for the ONE, because you think you need that person to make you whole? Whole as what, as the mind? As the soul?
To make you a whole system?

Let's stop this waiting, as it keeps you waiting forever. That's what the soul-construct is all about, to keep you enslaved in searching for the restore of information collected in all the past lives which we cannot remember anymore. The only person you are waiting for is YOU yourself as Self as Life. Which you will never find if you are walking around in/as the mindsystem, waiting for the one

2012 - The year almost everybody has created some expectations of. Is your expectation one of hoping to find a soulmate? Stop this waiting, as you are waiting for yourself as Life.
There are more important things to do here if we want to keep on living Life on Earth. We need YOU to stand up in this, we need YOU as life as yourself and not as a mindsystem waiting for the ultimate missing link, which is waiting for yourself. Nobody can stand up for you, you are the only ONE who can do this, you are the only ONE who can be your own missing-link inside. Stop waiting for the only one as this is waiting for the only one as yourself; become 'the only one' as one and equal as Self as Life.

There is a practical way to walk the process of becoming one and equal as Self as All Life; everybody can fulfill the role of a so called soulmate as a person who reflects you where you separated yourself from yourself as a support to become one and equal as yourself as Life as Breath.

Start walking the process, join desteni i process or the relationships course.

Or start walking the process with the support of a product from the eqafe-store.