2012 - Fear to speak as equality - blog 2/fear

An old friend called me, his message was on the voicemail.
I like to speak to him, and at the same time a fear is coming up.
He will ask what I am 'busy with' at the moment.
And what do I fear?
To speak about my participation within Desteni.
I notice this many times inside myself; I fear speaking about (!) myself standing up in equality as what's best for all.
Isn't that something? It's best for all and equality for all, also for the person I speak with. It's the best I can stand for/as, as it is all there is. And I fear it! Actually it's what I fear most, it's coming back in every situation that I experience fear in.
Let's see what is in here.

Thought:
I like to speak to him but than I have to tell him about desteni.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think "I like to speak to him but than I have to tell him about desteni".

Trigger Point:

An old friend calling me, leaving a message on the voicemail.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect an old friend calling me, leaving a message on the voicemail to the thought "I like to speak to him but than I have to tell him about desteni.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let an old friend calling me, leaving a message on the voicemail, exist as a triggerpoint within me, which triggers the thought "I like to speak to him but than I have to tell him about desteni.

Type of thought:
Fear

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear to speak to an old friend and tell him about desteni.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist fear to speak to an old friend and tell him about desteni inside me.

Other components:
Emotion:
Fear, which gives hesitation

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the thought "I like to speak to him but than I have to tell him about desteni" to an emotional experience of fear which gives hesitation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in an emotional experience of fear which gives hesitation.

Why do I connect an emotion of fear to the thought "I like to speak to him but than I have to tell him about desteni"?
This thought already has fear in it after the 'but', which gives a hesitation to speak out of fear.
I experience an emotion of fear because I don't know how to speak about my participation within desteni. As seen in the thought I seperate myself from my participation within desteni as I wright 'to tell him about desteni'. I think I have to tell him about something that is best for all, instead of speaking as myself as one and equal as what is best for all. So when I tell him, we start 'talking about' a subject or something, in which I let an open door to attack and defense this subject as it is an opinion seperate from me and from him.
I think that I have to speak about everything that desteni is standing for/as, instead of just taking one point to speak about as a point that I can already stand in as myself, and within this I do not speak about this point or about desteni but I speak as myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I don't know how to speak about my participation within desteni.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to speak about desteni as what is best for all, instead of speaking as myself as one as equal as what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to speak about everything that desteni is standing for/as, instead of just taking one point to speak about as a point that I can already stand in as myself, and within this I do not speak about this point or about desteni but I speak as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let an open door to attack and defense what is best for all as a subject as it is an opinion separate from me and the other person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate myself from what is best for all as it is an opinion from myself or another person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hide behind the mind by making 'what is best for all' an opinion which can be attacked and defensed in/as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to give the other person a backdoor to walk out what is best for all by pretending what is best for all as an opinion, as 'free choice' to participate in or not, and within this I protect myself against eventual attacks from the other person who is maybe 'flipping out' when noticing that there is no back door and projecting this on me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear that the other person is attacking me when noticing that there is no backdoor to walk out what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear death by the other person who is eventually attacking me when noticing that there is no backdoor to walk out what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear lost, lost of the other person when the other person notice that there is no back door to walk out what is best for all while talking to me, so the only 'back door' left is to leave me, to walk away from me,
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear death when a person is leaving me and by trying to prevent this I leave myself by going into the mind by speaking in/as the mind, in which I am not alive as self and thus I am death.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that everybody is leaving me when I speak about what is best for all without leaving a backdoor in/as the mind, instead of seeing that by leaving a backdoor in/as the mind, I myself keep myself in/as the mind as I am speaking in/as the mind instead of speaking as self as what is best for all, and with doing this I leave myself as self, which the outside world will reflect on me by leaving me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate myself from what is best for all as myself as the other as self by speaking about what is best for all as an opinion of the mind, and with doing this I separate myself from self as Life as Breath.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I as self can be attacked, instead of seeing that only I as the mind can be attacked by the mind, and with speaking in/as the mind I keep myself in/as the mind which gives the opportunity to be attacked in as the mind by the mind. 
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that this attack in/as the mind is real, and by believing that this is real, I created this attack as real, which affirms my believe that it's real.

Type of fear:
Fear of death; fear of loss, and within this again fear of death.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear death by the other person who is eventual attacking me when noticing that there is no backdoor to walk out what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the other person who is eventual
attacking me when noticing that there is no backdoor to walk out what is best for all to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear lost, lost of the other person when the other person notice that there is no back door to walk out what is best for all while talking to me, so the only 'back door' left is to leave me, to walk away from me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect loosing the other person when the other person notice that there is no backdoor to walk out what is best for all while talking to me, so the only 'back door' left is to leave me to walk away from me to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear death when a person is leaving me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect a person leaving me to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear to speak as myself, because I fear to speak words that are not real, so I fear to be 'wrong' again, as nothing or very little that I have seen and said has been real before.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect to speak words that are not real to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear to be wrong again, which contains that I am already wrong as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect to be wrong again, as nothing or very little that I have seen and said has been real before to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am already wrong as myself instead of seeing that nothing/very little was real because everything spoken was in/as the mind, and for that it was not real, which I translated as being wrong.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be completely paralyzed by the convince of other people who believe that what they speak in/as the mind is real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe the words of other people who are convinced of the words of their mind and for that starting to doubt myself, instead of seeing that hardly anybody is speaking as self yet and that the convince of the mind is turning around the real words as self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear the turning around in/as the mind of the words spoken as self to protect the existence of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the turning in/as the mind of the words spoken as self to protect the existence of the mind to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I as self can be attacked, instead of seeing that only I as the mind can be attacked by I as the mind, so as long as I speak as the mind as polarity I will be attacked by the other side of the polarity which I create with speaking words in polarity in/as the mind; only when I speak one and equal as Self there is no attack possible as it is already one without polarity.

Corrective statement:
When and as I see myself participating in the tendency to speak about desteni as what is best for all seperated from myself I stop, I breathe. I put my two hands together to bring myself Here in the physical.
I realize that another person can not leave me, I can only leave myself by speaking about things seperate from me in/as the mind, by speaking out of fear which is in/as the mind so seperated from me as self as Life.
I realize that within speaking in seperation from myself, I leave an open door as back door for the other person and for myself to attack and defend that what is best for all as an opinion in/as the mind; within this I create myself that what I fear, that the other person will attack me as the mind by speaking about what is best for all.
I do not allow myself to create my own fear by leaving a backdoor to attack and defend that what is best for all as an opinion in/as the mind.
I do not allow myself to create another polarity to attack and defend by speaking in/as the mind.
I stop, I breathe in, I hold on 4 counts, standing one and equal as myself as who I am in this moment. Within this I see what words are coming up as myself that I can speak and stand in as myself.

Feeling:
Happiness

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the thought "I like to speak to him but than I have to tell him about desteni" to a feeling of happiness.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in a feeling of happiness.

Why do I connect a feeling of happiness to the thought "I like to speak to him but than I have to tell him about desteni"?
I feel happy by the thought that I will speak to the old friend, as in the past I had a 'special' connection to him so he makes me feel happy as special in/as the mind.
Within this I experience fear to loose him as a person who I have a special connection with, I fear loosing a relation in/as the mind, and within this I fear death when the relations in/as the mind stops to exist.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel happy by the thought that I will speak to the old friend because in the past I had a special connection to him so he makes me feel happy as special in/as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear loosing an old friend as a person who I have a special connection with and within this I fear loosing a relation in/as the mind which is fearing death when relations in/as the mind stop to exist.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear death when relationships in/as the mind stop to exist
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect loosing an old friend who I have a special relation with to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect loosing a relation in/as the mind which is fear of death when relations in as the mind stop to exist to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the stop of relationships in/as the mind to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.

Corrective statement:
When and as I see myself participating in a feeling of happiness connected to the thought "I like to speak to him but than I have to tell him about desteni" I stop, I breathe. I put my two hands together to bring myself Here in the physical.
I realize that I feel happy because in the past I had a special relationship with him in as the mind that made me feel happy.
I do not allow myself to participate in a feeling of happiness connected to the thought "I like to speak to him but than I have to tell him about desteni".
I do not allow myself to participate in a feeling of happiness generated through relationships in/as the mind.
I do not allow myself to participate in relationships in/as the mind.
I do not need relationships in/as the mind as they will keep me enslaved to the mind, and being enslaved to the mind I am not able to become alive as self.
I stop, I breathe. In breath I exist one and equal as self without any need for relationships.

Word:
Participation

I experience some resistance to participate in communication with other people as I connected this somewhere to a relation to the other person. Or the other 'wants' something from me, or I want something from the other person. I do not want to share myself because I fear to disappear while sharing as I did not learn to share as myself, only as the mind, so sharing is connected to disappearing in the mind.
I see now that this participating is participating in the rules of society which are the rules of the mind, which are always unequal. So actually I resist participation in inequality.

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Defenition:

Share in, take part in

Origin:
1525–35; < Latin participātus  (past participle of participāre  to share), equivalent to particip-  (stem of particeps ) taking part, partner ( see participle) + -ātus  -ate1 
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Taking part - Partner;
Part, being part of, taking part. Is not standing as self but part of something which is also not standing as self.

-ātus
This I associate immediately with anus and I feel it also in my anus, getting emotional as in participating there has been taken place abuse, abuse of the innocence. So I stopped participating, I stopped sharing myself as a way to try to protect myself against abuse of innocence. Abuse as 'taking part' of me and me believing that I have to participate in this. Pain in the anus.
Today I saw how innocence, being 'innocent' is used/abused to not see into self, to not take responsibility as self. With not taking responsibility one is 'doing nothing', and with doing nothing you have to take part of something/someone outside yourself to participate in (a substitute of) life. This doing nothing is used as 'ínnocence'; "I did not do anything, I am innocent". So I concluded that the blame was on me, as the other person is innocent. So I am 'not innocent', I am 'quilty'.
In this I do not trust innocence anymore as it is connected to 'doing nothing', not taking responsibility as self but taking part of something outside self.
So I do not trust innocent as self as life, and within this I place myself as mind above myself; I only trust myself as mind. I am taking part of something outside myself as mind to try to complete myself or to try to make myself alive, which is not possible.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that someone can take part of me to make themselves alive, instead of seeing that only the mind can take part of something outside to relate to, to complete self as mind, and only I can allow and accept myself as mind to 'let take part of me' by participating in/as the mind in relationships.
Actually I do not know what innocence as Life is, except that I can see it in animals.

Positive charge and negative charge polarity:
I value participating with a negative charge coming forward out of fear out of believe that other people are able to take a part of me and for this I have a tendency to hold back in participation.

New Defenition:
To share myself as life unconditionally as who I am in any moment.